Dear Pink Diary... What am I to do?

Do you overload your emotional life?

2009-02-23T03:19:00.000-08:00

During my absence, I met many girls aged 14-18 and I was shocked at how much trauma they experience in their lives.

Most girls were finishing up their school careers and living with young men already. To me, the definition of "school girl" is a GIRL that attends SCHOOL. School is an institution supposedly preparing us for life as an adult. How does a schoolgirl manage the responsibilities of the life of a woman?

There are certain issues that come with being in a serious relationship with a man.

* One has to be physically, mentally and emotionally prepared to be sexually active. You give your partner more than just a few minutes' pleasure; you actually give a lot more of yourself.

* Living with a man means pushing your family to the side and living as an adult. When I was 18 I needed my mother more than ever. There is a lot of responsibility in the outside world, why rush it?

* It also means pushing your responsibilities that are most important to the second place - your schoolwork should come first, as that will give you the foundation on which to build your future.

Most of us have more than one serious relationship before we get married, which means that statistically speaking, you probably won't marry your high-school sweetheart. Is he worth throwing your future away on? If he is, he will have your best interest at heart and allow you to first get your school career done, then get a working career going before he starts pressurizing you.

No matter what anyone says, at the age of 18 nobody is ready for an intimate, adult relationship. It's simply a recipe for emotional damage and heart ache.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2009-02-23T03:13:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since my last post, but I am glad to be back.

For a while we had sort of a sabbatical which was good and bad, but ultimately it was neccesary for spiritual growth.

I retraced the steps of my past, which was not always a bed of roses, but it was much easier than I thought it would be. I learned to face my past and look my mistakes squarely in the eyes and I came out a stronger person.

At the end of my proverbial journey, I met up with the person that I have caused the most hurt and vice versa - we ended up being great friends!

Look for the treasure hidden in every clay pot, I promise you will find it!

Why does God allow bad things to happen?

2008-07-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

I always stayed away from religious discussions before I was born again.

However since I became born again, I have been more open to listening to the questions of those that are searching.

The most common question that is withholding people from putting their hearts at the cross is "Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?"

This is generally in reference to the violence in South Africa and worldwide. The consensus is that if God is almighty and powerful, He should be able to stop the baddies in their tracks. If He loves us so much, why does He not listen to our prayers?

These are some of the misperceptions that cause unbelief amongst those that are yet to be born again.

I have spent a lot of time praying and looking for the answers and finally the Holy Spirit has answered my questions and I want to relay them to you in my own humble way.

God wants to prosper and not to harm us.

As a born again individual, we have the Holy Spirit as our Comforter and Protector whenever we may need Him. The Holy Spirit is a gentleman and only comes into our hearts when we invite Him in. When He is present no harm will come our way.

Unfortunately we do not always walk with the Holy Spirit inside us and we allow satan to steal from and rob us and destroy what is ours, which is his way of causing distrust and boy, is he good at it!

It is very much like a parent/child relationship where your kids make you angry but you still love them.

Imagine your teenagers going to wild parties where you are not invited to and cannot protect them and then they get wild drunk and do things that they should not which cause them harm. It is the same in our Father/child relationship with God.

Think about it: we do stuff that chases the Spirit out, we do not repent and then expect God to protect us when we are in a place we should not be? (Be that a physical / emotional / spiritual place).

The only thing you can do is to be sure to walk with the Spirit at all times (takes practice!), ask, believe and receive and be thankful.

Sowing and reaping

2008-07-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

Churches speak about tithing all the time. Tithing is when we bring the first 10% of our earnings to God. That money belongs to God, but He wants to see that we are faithful, that is why He does not just keep His 10%

Everything we have belongs to God and when we give, we are richly blessed.

Besides tithing there are other ways for us to give:

Offering – when we give money over and above the tithe

Sowing – when you give of your time, money or belongings

We often give money and hope the church appropriates the money correctly and that is the last thought we give the matter.

The spirit in which we give is almost more important than what we actually give. You must give not so that you can receive, but knowing that your seed will be blessed and used to further God’s Kingdom.

Your fruit will be returned to you and God will meet you at your point of need. For instance, He may not give you money to join a medical aid, but He will keep you healthy so that you will not need a medical aid.

Miracles

2008-07-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

When people spoke of miracles, my logic used to protest – it is coincidence, it would have happened that way either way; it is the positive thoughts and law of attraction… Let us face it, we will find an explanation for everything if we think about it hard enough.

The truth is that the way God made our minds to be so enquiring and intelligent in itself is a miracle – can you even try to make man with body, mind and soul, so intricate and involved and yet so perfect?

Yes, I have seen absolute miracles in my life.

After believing for 10 years that I have failed matric, I found out that despite all the odds against me, I have in fact passed! Praise God!

My little boy was brought back from death when he was about 3 and half years old, before we were born again. John-Ross was sick with flu, which caused him to choke on a piece of food. His eyes rolled back in his head and he became unconscious. Wade tried to revive him with CPR, but it did not work. The little boy was lying on the floor, blue in the face from lack of oxygen to the brain. We thought we had lost him when we started praying to God – amazing how we put Him in charge of our lives when we have no other option. Suddenly, John-Ross sat up weakly and vomited, the piece of food dislodged. He has been fine ever since with no damage to his brain or any other part of his body.

So many prayers of healing have been answered in our lives, one of the most recent being little Debbie, when she came down with something. At first she was very tired and sleepy and then developed a fever. We had only enough money for food, but she became sicker with her temperature rising rapidly and she started vomiting. She did not eat for about 3 days. We were by her bedside, praying and trying to find out what was wrong with her. She had no pain, but people said that meningitis was doing the rounds. Meningitis is a disease that causes infection of the meninges, the thin lining that surrounds the brain and the spinal cord and could cause death.

On the third day she was even more weak and sleepy and we decided to stop the lip service of praying, but not putting our trust in God. We took our last bit of money and took her for a check-up. She had an ear infection and received antibiotics. When she arrived back home she was much better already, but she had not had her medicine yet! God wanted to see our faith and because we obeyed, he saved our baby and blessed our finances!

Speaking of financial blessings, God uses people to be a financial blessing unto you. Money does not necessarily fall out of the sky, but our God is super-natural!

We like to meditate on Ephesians 3: 20 daily: “Now glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of – infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hopes. ”

Another miracle happened when we were unable to pay our rent, it was already past due and the proprietor called on the Saturday to say that it had to be paid by the Monday. We had no money at all, but we spoke in faith when we said: “No problem, we will have money on Monday. ”

On Monday Wade called a client to discuss something when she said the following: “Wade, I hope I did not offend you, but I deposited R3000 into your bank account to use as you wish. ” This lady had no idea about our situation, but when God spoke to her she acted and she will be richly blessed for that.

We had other blessings happen of physical nature, such as food and clothing and toys for the children. Our aim is to become a blessing unto others and especially to those who have blessed us.

I always felt very ashamed of accepting blessings for fear that it may inconvenience those who bless us. God has since revealed to me that when others bless us, they will be blessed in turn.

More at Paths of Righteousness

Finding your purpose

2008-07-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

Three days ago, He told me to write this book and I have been at work ever since. To say that I am exhausted is an understatement, but I also feel exhilarated as one does when you are certain that you are doing what He wants you to do.

Wade and I have a wonderful joint relationship with God, where He allows us to take turns to minister to one another. We both have volatile personalities and thankfully, God has attuned us in such a way that when the one is down, the other is up and vice versa. When we are running on even keel, we both do at least. We are however always in sync and understand that the up-and-down situation is for our benefit. It would be a disaster if we were both miserable at once!

Such is our devotional life too. God allows one to take a step further first in order to lead the other up the staircase to spiritual maturity, one step at a time. He let us us take turns all the time. I believe this is important so that we may learn the processes in order to teach others.

I was blessed in being given the first step when we were baptized in the Holy Spirit. There was no overpowering force or bright light or angels singing hymns. There was simply a peace that transcends all and I just knew that the Holy Spirit was there. Since then I could simply ask for His presence and He would be there.

The same applies to God speaking to us. I do not hear His voice, I just know in my heart and in my mind that He has spoken and that He has kissed His baby.

It was during prayer that He told me to write this book. My mind was very far away from books, in fact I had given up on the idea entirely. I was halfway through a sentence, praying and I just stopped and I knew.

How to read your Biblle and pray

2008-07-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

We open our time of devotion with a short prayer to firstly ask God for forgiveness for our sins and to purify our hearts so that they may be open to receive the Holy Spirit.

We ask that the Holy Spirit will guide us while we read the Word of God and that we may receive the message God has in store for us.

I find the Living Bible an easy read, although I read Psalm 23 from the Revised Standard – it is just so beautifully written. We have a lovely 4-in-1 Bible with the King James, Modern Language, Living Bible and Revised Standard translation.

When we first started reading the Bible, we started with Psalm 23 to open up our time of devotion daily. We would then read another Psalm, working systematically from the beginning of Psalms, to the end. We also read a daily Proverb – there is so much wisdom and practical lessons in Proverbs.

We then close in prayer again, this time with a much longer prayer, covering various aspects, in this order:

Thanks – we thank God for His forgiveness and grace, for the message we received in the Word of God and anything else we are thankful for.

Intercession – we pray for our family and friends or anyone else who needs prayer that we know of.

Personal – we pray for any issues in our lives.

Praise – we praise God. A great man of God said something very true on television the other day: “When the praise goes up, the blessing have got to come down!”

Your prayers will evolve as you grow up in the spirit and you will start finding more to say to Him and plenty to praise Him for.

Starting your journey with God

2008-07-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

I always like to have a clear-cut plan of action to follow in everything I do and I will try to give you some ideas on things that work for me.

- Attend church

Find a church that touches you, even if you have to go around to a few churches before you find the one that does it for you spiritually. If this book ‘does it for you’ – Pentecostal is the way to go!

- Devotion

Make time daily to read your Bible and pray.

- Gratitude List

Keep a list where you can write things daily about what you are grateful for or answered prayers.

2008-07-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

The art of being able to forgive

When someone said to me that I should forgive everyone who has ever hurt me - I told them that they were nuts!

I was told that you do not forgive for others, you forgive for yourself. It took me a long time to get a better understanding of this. I always thought that forgiveness meant that what they did was okay and that I was wrong to feel the way I did about what they did.

I then heard someone else say that was not the case – you need to be clear that you still believe that what they did was wrong, but you will no longer be consumed by those actions.

Forgiveness is when you can think about the trauma without being hurt, angry or upset or feel hatred towards the person who induced the hurt.

I also know that you can only forgive when you are ready. . . It took me 10 years. I do not want it to take you 10 years because it caused me a lot of anguish. During times when I should have been happy - I could not be. I over-reacted to small things. I was not able to live life to the full.

You need to do a spring-cleaning of your heart, clear the blockages and realise that you are really a great person with lots to give, else you would not have been targeted by an insecure, envious bully.

Forgive as soon as you can - it is really the most amazing feeling to feel secure, fulfilled, loving and kind with no anger in your heart.

Disclaimer: I know it is easier said than done and even when you master the art, you may still relapse at times.

Overcoming worldly pleasures

2008-07-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

I was born again, but what happened to my obsession with the earthly pleasures?

Well, a miracle happened and I actually never thought about the sins again – or at least the urge to commit the sins, left me. It simply went away, never to return. I will tell you the logic behind that.

During the exodus to the Promised Land, in the time of the Wilderness, God told Moses to reveal the 10 Commandments to the people and called it the Laws.

Later on however He said that the most important law is that “You shall love the Father with all your heart, mind and soul and your neighbour as yourself”. When you do that, you will be under God’s grace and the other laws will be so much easier to uphold.

You can not break the commandments if you love the Lord God with all your heart, mind and soul and your neighbour as yourself and the desire will simply leave you.

Promised land

2008-07-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

We are in a wilderness before we become born again, although it feels like Egypt, after all there is a lot of good food and happiness. What we do not realize is that that food is in fact not good for us at all. That food is our sins.

When we are in the wilderness, God still has mercy upon us. During our journey through the wilderness in our life, God always supplied us with manna – we always had food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in.

That is not God’s full plan for your life though; He has so much more in store for you and that is why He has to prepare your heart for greater things. He has to make you obedient and faithful so that you may know to always rely on Him alone.

As soon as you have made the decision to be obedient and always seek the Kingdom of God first, the Promised Land shall follow.

Understanding the Bible

2008-07-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Soon, I too became born again and I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, getting understanding of what I thought was another cliché. The Holy Spirit brings you wisdom – not the kind that will make you pass all your grades – but a deeper wisdom that makes you understand the things of the spirit of God and His Divine plan for your life.

It also seems to act as the golden key, which unlocks our prayers and the messages in the Word of God.

The message that has been most valuable so far in our family’s journey with God came out of the children’s Bible. There are so many symbolical parallels between our life story and the story of Moses who led the Israelites out of Egypt into the Promised Land.

At first, the Lord commanded Moses to lead the Israelites through the Red Sea – He dried up the ocean and parted the waves so that the Israelites could walk through and then He closed the waves again so the enemy nation would be destroyed.

This is how He makes ways for us when there seems to be no way and He fights the enemy on our behalf.

Like the Israelites, sometimes we have to go into the wilderness before we get to the Promised Land, but we want as little inconvenience as possible, hence we gripe and moan, saying that Egypt was much better with better food.

God supplies us with manna, even when we are disobedient and we do not trust in Him. We still complain as manna is not good enough, we want the good food.

Meanwhile, we go around in circles for forty years, complaining and eating manna when the Promised Land is in fact only 11 days away. That is all God intended for the Israelites – He only wanted them to be in the wilderness for 11 days before entering the Promised Land. Their disobedience cost them forty years in the desert.

This story is also symbolic of the path of a new Christian. We first have to defeat the enemy (sin) by going through the Red Sea (being baptized in the Holy Spirit). We then enter the Wilderness (the transition phase where we miss our old sinful lives) where our obedience and faith is tested before we enter the Promised Land.

Everlasting peace is what I wanted

2008-07-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Wade has this habit of getting up in the early hours of the morning when it is still dark and then he goes to work and I really do not like to wake up all alone. I on the other hand like to lie in on a Saturday morning and on this particular Saturday morning I was awake when he got up and went into the kids’ room. I knew that they were watching television, so I got up to go see what he was doing. There he was sitting on my daughter’s tiny little bed, reading the Bible. I felt sorry for him and told him to come read in our room.

Wade is very good at taking advantage of every opportunity and asked me if he could read aloud to me – how could I say no? I listened with curious interest and afterwards Wade asked if he could read anything else to me. The only thing I could quote was Psalm 23 and not to be outdone, I asked him to read that.

Psalm 23 – A Psalm of David

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul

He leads me in paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake

Even though I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of death

I fear no evil;

For thou art with me

Thy rod and thy staff,

They comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me

In the presence of my enemies;

Thou annointest my head with oil,

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This scripture really fills me with such peace. Just imagine those green pastures and the still waters – so beautiful in comparison to my life, so restful. So far away from the hustle-bustle of life and all the stress of trying to keep head above water.

Christianity - what is it really?

2008-07-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

That's what I asked myself.

I was a very angry person, having been hurt and disappointed so many times in my life. I trusted nobody. The thing is that we mirror what we see in others, especially when we are hurting. Therefore, when we do not trust someone, we start acting in an untrustworthy manner, so I became untrustworthy. Others’ happiness went right of my list of priorities and I started finding ways in which I could hurt them before they hurt me.

For years I never attended any church services and hardly acknowledged God, except in a blasphemous context. Sin became second nature to me, so much so that I stopped feeling guilty. How do you uphold the 10 commandments?

Wade has ‘tried’ the Christian walk a number of times, been to various churches, but it seemed he never really found the answers he was looking for. He has an addictive personality, which means that he throws all of himself into each new project he starts and this time I sensed that this project was going to be a life-long one. It scared me as at the time I was looking for gratification and meaning in very different places and I was not prepared to give that up nor did I know how to. I was also not prepared to lose Wade and I am ashamed to say that I was trying to distract him with what I was busy with. I remember once praying to God that Wade would rather stop trying to draw closer to God – that is sick!

Wade did not push me to join him in devotion, but I felt the need to explain to him that it would be pointless to give my life to God unless I can give it all to Him and I was just not prepared to do it. Wade respected my decision, but kept praying for me.

At that point in time my opinion was that there are so many “Christians” out there living as they wish and singing Hallelujahs in church as though they are the holy angels. I did not want to be a hypocrite.

Spirituality 1

2008-07-17T14:37:00.001-07:00

Spirituality was briefly mentioned in a previous chapter and now I want to elaborate on it. Some people have a different definition for spirituality than they have for religion. For me, religion feeds the spirit, which makes it spirituality for me. That feels right to my heart and I do not intend to offend any Christians who associate spirituality with crystals and guides and the like.

The word religion sounds very military to me, but spirituality makes it sound happy and mysterious. Perhaps explaining to you what spirituality is to me will be appropriate now.

I believe in God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit – the Holy Unit and Trinity. I believe that although we have many people in our lives, we need something more to rely on, something to believe in when life and people let us down, a place where we can find answers.

There is no better place to find answers than with God. He has placed everything and everyone on earth and He has a plan for your life. Until recently I also thought these were all clichés, but I have found so much meaning that I could never turn back. I have seen miracles since I answered His call and I am humbled when I realize how He has looked after me before I even answered His call.

Before, I was like a blind person, searching in the dark, stumbling around aimlessly, crying and hearing noises, but not knowing what they were as I have not seen it before. Meanwhile, it was God calling out to me and crying for me. Someone once said that when we cry, He cries too.

Life's pressures

2008-07-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

Life is not always easy and everyone feels like throwing in the towel at some point in time and often this stress becomes the focal point in your mind.

Everything seems to be affected by this issue and it is hard to take your mind off it and other smaller issues attach themselves to this big issue, almost like a snowball that keeps getting bigger and running over everything in sight.

Just like this snowball you start running over everyone in sight. You start snapping at everyone around you, throwing your cell phone (your most prized possession) into tiny pieces against the wall…

The moment you pick up the pieces, you feel even worse – how did you get so angry?

I have been there too. I have broken many cell phones and other things of sentimental value and hated myself for it. Until the day when I thought I had broken my laptop. That was the worst, but also the best as I had a light bulb moment that day.

Throwing things around and breaking valuables is just stupid – sorry, but there’s no excuse for it. Only a brat would waste money like that.

If you battle to control your anger and other emotions, you need to learn to compartmentalize.

Imagine that you have a big shelf with a number of ‘compartments’ for each area of your life: one for each family member, one for school, one for friends, etc. Now everything relating to each of those compartments goes in the appropriate box.

To put it into perspective, you need to keep school at school and home at home. Likewise, if your sister makes you angry, do not take it out on your mother. If you fail a test, do not take it out on your cell phone. Compartmentalizing takes practice, but it makes life easier. It also keeps you in control and shows that you are mature.

Another part of compartmentalizing is that you should not dwell on issues. If you have an argument with your boyfriend, do not let it spoil your girls’ lunch.

You should never give any issue more time or energy than it is worth as every 60 seconds you waste is a minute in your life that you will not get back.

Me time

2008-07-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

When you have a family of your own and a home to take care of and a marriage to work on and kids to feed, your own needs are not on the to do list. For now, put yourself first, second and third.

Find a hobby or fun activity, which you can enjoy alone. Ice-skating with friends is not suitable. You need “me time”. Me time can be anything you can enjoy doing alone, at least for an hour or two a week.

It could be something arty such as painting or drawing, sewing, writing, walking, reading or whatever you enjoy, but preferably something that allows your mind to drift as far away from the daily hassles as possible.

The rest of your life should be planned around this time and you should not be disturbed in this time. Friends and family should know that this is your time too.

Are you ready to have a baby?

2008-07-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

Motherhood sure is a million times more rewarding than I imagined and brings so much more joy than I thought, especially when kids are provided with everything they need on each level:

Emotionally – a child needs a stable, loving home where they are emotionally prepared for the world out there. A child that is not emotionally catered for is insecure and could develop anti-social behaviour.

Physically – a child does not only need food not to be hungry, they also need the right nutrition. Junk food and sweets cause little angels to turn into hyperactive monsters in an instant and believe me the balance is fine. In addition, without the right nutrients kids become sickly and difficult. Besides healthy food kids need shelter, physical support to learn to do things such as walking, getting dressed, learning to do things by themselves and safety from physical or emotional harm.

Educationally – there is so much for a baby to learn, some things have to be taught repeatedly and when it is something that seems so simple to you, you need a lot of patience to teach it repeatedly.

Socially – you are the biggest influence in your child’s life; therefore they learn the most from you. They learn how to behave socially, how to build friendships and how to cope with various issues.

Spiritually – everyone has their own experience, beliefs and ideas about the mysteries of the universe and where it comes from. You need to act as a guide to your child in helping them understand and build up a relationship between them and their own spirituality.

The best of mothers have had days when things became too difficult. Post-partum depression happens to 80% of mothers in varying degrees. It is no indication of your weakness or lack of experience as a mother. It is all caused by that over-powering love for your child and something goes wrong with them and it is out of your control. One day you will understand when your child is in pain and you cannot take it away from them.

Motherhood

2008-07-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Soon enough Britney decided to have a bash at a normal life – what better way than with a baby?

A career is hard work and a baby is hard work – combining the two is a lethal mix! A baby stirs emotions inside of a woman that only a mother can understand. You just have to give it your best and you become your own worst critic, which does not mean the other critics out there give you any leeway or room for error – on the contrary.

I believe that I am a good mother: I do not let my kids out of my site and I do everything by the book. I do not rely on anyone else to supply any of his or her needs, be it educational, social, physical or emotional and spiritual. My kids have a stable home with lots and lots of love. Even though I feel secure in the knowledge that I do my best, I get very tired and drained at times – yes it is worth it! Yet there are still times I have to answer to people from other generations as to why I make certain decisions where my kids are concerned. This does not happen to mothers over the age of 30 and it really hurts me as my kids are often more advanced and adjusted than mothers who do not “overprotect” their kids.

Being financially prepared for a child is not as straight-forward as relying on the income of the baby’s father whilst you play housewife, or perhaps a child grant from the government or even maintenance from an absent father.

Lately, girls as young as 14 have been getting pregnant deliberately so that they could get child grants. One girl is still at school, however she is pregnant with her third baby. Unfortunately they do not realize that a child grant does not cover the expenses that go with having a child. There is medical expenses, the cost of supplying food, shelter and clothing, childcare when you are working or attending school… the list is endless. Then of course, there is the costs that occur due to the changes in your body when it is forced to perform functions that it is not yet ready for.

The same applies to your mind, when you force that to deal with issues it is not yet ready for.

What does it take to be a mommy?

2008-07-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted a baby from about the age of 5. Being the youngest child, playing with my dolls, it seemed so awesome to be a mommy. My mom used to cringe when I was about 13 and said I wanted a baby and the urge became bigger as I got older. Surely there cannot be that much to it? You simply have to cope with being fat for 9 months and then be sure to bath, feed and change the baby and cuddle it when it cries. Easy peasy!

Not so fast!

Firstly, you have to be emotionally and financially prepared to bring a child into this world. As you may have realized by now, life is not always plain sailing. Even people whose lives seem to be perfect on the outside have difficult things to contend with from time to time.

Look at Britney Spears for instance – her life should be a fairytale: awesome career, bucketsful of money, cool friends, millions of guys would just love to call her their girlfriend and two gorgeous baby boys. As you know – her life has been pretty rough lately with wild behaviour and emotional breakdowns in public, a divorce and now her boys’ dad has custody of them and she has to be supervised around them.

I still do not think Britney is a bad mother. She is a young girl like you and I who missed out a on a lot in life. I can hear you saying “Puhleaaze! Britney had the best of the best!”. Not true, I would know, because I was also trying to build a business at the age of 19. I was also attending glitzy functions when I should have been sobbing my eyes out at a chick flick with my girlfriends, or painting nails in preparation for a date with a normal person.

Success at a young age is admirable, but the cost is huge.

Birth control and preparing for motherhood

2008-07-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing can compare a first time mommy for the emotional roller coaster ride of having a baby. Babies do not conform to your set routine and they do not just fit into your schedule and that can be very hard for a perfectionist mommy! In addition, you need to be strong when everyone is telling you what you should do with your baby when you are the one who read all the latest baby magazines – last month, not 30 years ago…

Of course you should be financially able to cope. I do not advocate that you should wait until you can afford all the latest, most expensive gadgets available or until you have saved up for Baby’s entire Doctorate in brain surgery… but you should be able to supply their basic needs and then some.

A good idea would be to check out some information on the Internet or books to help prepare you for the adventure.

A child is a lifelong commitment – not a hobby that you can merely toss to the side when you are tired of it.

If you are up to it, remember that does not mean plain sailing all along, but it sure is worth the sacrifices along the way!

There are various methods of birth control on the market; I suggest you visit your family doctor or family planning clinic for more information, if you choose to have sex.

There is however a reason why its called birth control and I want you to think about it. The problem with most methods of birth control is that it protects you to some degree from falling pregnant, but it does not protect against Sexually Transmitted Diseases, else it would be called STD-control and not birth control.

Birth control hormones wreck your endocrinal system, as happened to me. After my children were born when I was just short of 21 years of age, I needed to start taking birth control and the Pill made me crazy, which meant that I needed anti-depressants. Later I decided to try the injection, which made me menstruate continuously for two months. I finally found something else which is more permanent, convenient and natural, however that is only available from gynecologists and it is only for women who have already had kids. The point is that you will have to use birth control for many years, so the later you start, the better.

Just remember that having a child when you yourself are still a child, is the cruelest thing you could ever do. A child has the right to two parents, especially in the formative years.

Babies, the latest fashion accessory

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Let us face it, second to cute little dogs such as Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell, a baby on the arm has become the latest fashion accessory. We no longer wait for a wedding band and white picket fence to have children and many mommies are now doing it for themselves with the help of artificial insemination. For infertile couples the option of IVF is available, or we can just adopt a little orphan from

Cambodia

. Another trend, along with their toy boys, is for older mothers to have children, thereby having more time to carve out a career and becoming financially secure before taking the big step. Teenage pregnancy too is on the rise with teens that want to become independent or to avoid school. No matter how you do it though, there are a few things you need to be aware of before taking the plunge. A baby is not a gift you can give without thinking it through properly – so discuss the implications with your partner. Be sure that you are both ready to do what it takes to have a child. If you plan to do it solo – you should first seek counseling to ensure that you really are up to it. Do not use a baby just to fill a void. Are you emotionally prepared for it? Your relationship with your partner needs to be strong. Do not do it if you have relationship problems - baby cannot be used as glue to fix a broken relationship.

Other than that, you don't have JL's infrastructure, which includes a name that ensures income - you have to work for yours. She also has a very supportive family - your family may not be as supportive. Her family will ensure that she doesn't become a single mother.

Come on - just leave Hollywood be and be your own person!

It can happen to you too

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Gonorrhea and AIDS are not the only risks. Aside from broken hearts, shame, regret and emotional damage, following here are some of the major STD’s that you risk contracting when you engage in sex.

Chlamydia - This is possibly the most common cause of sterility in men and women because it usually has no symptoms until it is too late. Approximately half of the people infected are 15-24 years old. If not treated, the infection can cause a potentially deadly infection in women called pelvic inflammatory disease or worse.

Syphilis - In men, non-painful sores appear on genitals, then fever and enlarged lymph nodes. In women, the sores usually go unnoticed and lead to the same symptoms as men. The final stage brings brain disorders, heart disease and death.

Genital Herpes - This incurable disorder brings periodic eruption of painful blisters and ulcers and degeneration of the immune system causing you to become run down and causing you to contract infections easily.

HPV - Human Papilloma virus - In men, wart-like genital growths appear which can lead to cancer of the penis. In women the virus can cause vulvar burning, itching and pain. If not treated, it can develop into cancer. Thirty three percent of women have this virus.

Hepatitis B - Initially, tiredness, dark urine and a gray-colored stool occur. It can cause severe liver damage and lead to cirrhosis and cancer of the liver.

This information is not a ploy to scare you off sex for the rest of your life – I am merely trying to warn you of hard facts that nobody is telling you about, facts that may remain unknown to you and may well destroy your dreams and future.

What sex does to the emotions

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For many young people, the amount of sexual partners they have or had in the past, is a gauge of how ‘cool’ they are.

As a teenager I had a lot of crushes on men, buy my mom taught me that I should keep my virginity. I’d be so excited when a guy I had a crush on gave me attention, or kissed me.

Later I started seeing a pattern forming, each boy who kissed me also wanted to have sex with me and every time I refused, they would just avoid me afterwards. My friends started talking about their sexual encounters and the pattern that formed there, was even worse. They would sleep with guys and the guys would avoid them afterwards too. In one instance, the guy told everyone about his encounter with the girl and she was mortified, as any self-respecting girl would be in that situation.

Now, in the circles where I move with married women, I see a lot of hurt. Women have realized that sexual experiences have a different meaning to men that they do to us and that they don’t necessarily bring couples closer together, or force a union.

For myself, once I have realized that Wade is the man I will be spending the rest of my life with and since I have become born again, I have wanted to be pure for Wade and for God. As a born again person, you do become pure of spirit (the aim is to keep it that way) but you can never break the chemical ties of your past.

A friend of mine had sex with many men when she was young. It boosted her confidence, which was crushed by her father telling her that she was fat and ugly and would never find a man to love her.

When she finally found a great man who cared for her, she was unable to enjoy making love to him and eventually, it stopped completely. She felt dirty and used by all the men of her past. She began hating men and her relationship ended.

Sex is a beautiful experience between two secure, loving adults. Sex cannot force a connection or a commitment; neither can it force someone to love you. A first sexual experience with a new partner is almost always a disaster and you cannot create that intense attraction a man needs in order to fall in love through sex.

Rather wait until you find the person who will wait for you – it will be so much more worth it!

Be wise about sex

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Some of my friends have used sex to motivate a guy to commit to them - perhaps without realising it. Initially they would give in to sex and even enjoy it, particularly if a relationship forms. Women usually need that special emotional bond that comes with being physical with a man, believing he would feel the same. Once that bond is established, a woman would be more inclined to refuse. The man would still want as much sex, but in the woman’s mind, subconsciously, there would be some element of guilt or fear (of pregnancy perhaps) or perhaps she might feel that she now has “caught” him and soon enough she would start to feel like 'a piece of meat'. See, in young sexual relationships, the attention is soon diverted away from the courting process, where we are made to feel beautiful and special, to where sex is the focal point in a relationship.

Guys are not all about sex, but when they get it they are very happy. Men are hunters and they need to conquer, but conquering a woman of virtue is much more of a victory than getting some girl in bed. My mom always used to say that men want to date a wild girl, but marry a decent girl.

Believe it or not, but to a guy it is your personality that counts, the fact that you are a caring and good-natured person and your attitude to life is an important factor too. Taking care of your body and emotional well-being is a big plus!

If a person does not want to be in an exclusive relationship with you in order to have sex with you, he is not worth it!

A good frank talk upfront would be a good step to take:

Discuss previous sexual partners - be sure not to act jealously, but mature and responsible. You don’t need to know the content of his sex-life, but to understand what you are up against and it will tell you a lot about him.

Discuss sexual expectations - i. e. what and how often, anything you are not prepared to do.

Discuss contraception and safe sex - what to use and who is responsible for what.

Discuss the possibility of pregnancy and each person’s expectations regarding that.

Share any information regarding previous or possible current sexually transmitted diseases.

All of this should be discussed upfront. That way you are aware upfront of both partners' expectations and views and you never need to argue about sex.

Remember to never, ever use sex as a tool to "catch" a man unless you are prepared to either keep up the act or learn to love sex.

I do not believe in casual sex, no matter how safe it is. I could go on reminding you of the fact that you can very easily catch diseases. . . Remember - if he can do it with you, he can do it to you. If you have casual sex with 2 people who have casual sex with two other women who have casual sex with 2 other people each and those people have sex with 2 women. . . . Yeah - I figured you would not like to go there! The picture also is not that great if you half these figures either.

At your age, relationships are not likely to last forever; hence you will end up sleeping with a few people before you find the person you will marry. Each of those men brings with them a sexual history.

When you have sex with someone, you will have a chemical tie with him or her for the rest of your life. Speaking of which, the same risks apply to sexual relations with a person of the same sex as you.

All right, so you are wondering why it is okay for adults to have sex, but not for teenagers?

Firstly, teens are more likely to have more partners in a shorter space of time, which increases your risks of falling pregnant or catching a disease.

Secondly, being unable to have a baby one day as a result of being uninformed would be devastating. Adults are aware of these things through experience; therefore it is too late to warn them. Rather appreciate the fact that you can now take your future into your own hands and do what you have to do to protect yourself and save yourself a lot of hearth ache.

Contemplating sex

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This time in your life is filled with mixed emotions: it is exciting to be growing up and being given some more leeway here and there, but there are many new emotions to deal with and to try and cope with. Body changes is one of the harder things to talk to others about, especially your parents.

I will not spend time on this article talking much about the physical act of sex; there is enough information out there and on the Internet on this topic. This book is about issues that teenagers want to know about and that nobody ever answers.

Sex can take on many forms depending on the attitude of both partners:

It can be a beautifully intimate experience between two loving people

It can be a physical gratification exercise for both partners

It can be a meaningless act during which one person experiences pleasure at the others’ expense

It can be a currency which we use to ‘buy’ the love of our partner

The topic of sex has been taken too lightly in recent years with young girls taking too many chances and getting hurt in the process.

I am well aware of the fact that you will take to heart only what really touches your heart in this chapter and I pray to God that you will be open-minded and realize that there is no benefit for me in you having sex or not having sex and that this book is for your benefit only. I know that it has not been “cool” to abstain from sex until you are married for many years.

Many men feel that in the beginning of a relationship a woman would do anything for them where sex is concerned and then it would change the moment they commit or the relationship becomes serious. Therefore, many guys would initially push for sex early on, but if you command respect and make your wishes clear, he will be more than happy to wait – that is, if he is worth your wait.

Some of my friends have used sex to motivate a guy to commit to them - perhaps without realising it. Initially they would give in to sex and even enjoy it, particularly if a relationship forms. Women usually need that special emotional bond that comes with being physical with a man, believing he would feel the same. Once that bond is established, a woman would be more inclined to refuse. The man would still want as much sex, but in the woman’s mind, subconsciously, there would be some element of guilt or fear (of pregnancy perhaps) or perhaps she might feel that she now has “caught” him and soon enough she would start to feel like 'a piece of meat'. See, in young sexual relationships, the attention is soon diverted away from the courting process, where we are made to feel beautiful and special, to where sex is the focal point in a relationship.

Guys are not all about sex, but when they get it they are very happy. Men are hunters and they need to conquer, but conquering a woman of virtue is much more of a victory than getting some girl in bed. My mom always used to say that men want to date a wild girl, but marry a decent girl.

If a person does not want to be in an exclusive relationship with you in order to have sex with you, he is not worth it!

Coping with heartbreak

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As teenagers, our hearts break so many times. I shed so many tears for men who, until today have no idea that I exist! Every time this happened, I thought my life has ended, but I lived through it more than a cat with 9 lives.

People often say “One day you will laugh about it” and that really is true. Today I am so glad that I did not run to those people’s homes and declare my everlasting love to them – can you imagine the embarrassment? Besides, today I have the greatest man ever to love me – he knows me better than I do and we share a really great bond.

As teenage girls, we are usually the ones who are dumped and not the dumpers and this is really sad, but hey – you have to kiss many toads before you find your dream prince.

Both your dignity and his memory of you depend on how you handle this breakup. Girl, you cannot fall apart when he breaks up with you – least of all in front of him! Here are a few options:

When he breaks up with you:

Face to face – Try not to act surprised and say something like: “I agree with you – it is better that way. ” Do not stay to discuss it, just wish him good luck and walk away. I once had a boyfriend for a whole week when he broke up with me and I was going to take a giant leap, inviting him for dinner when he broke up with me. I was shocked and pretended to be relieved “I am so glad you broke up with me – I felt too sorry for you to do it to you, but it is really not working for me. ” In truth, I found him childish, but the attention I got from him was great during a difficult time in my life.

Via email / sms – Respond much later and refrain from sending a long reply. A simple “Sure – no problem” would do. He would be horrified that you are not asking why he is breaking up with you – it shows certain maturity in you. He will know that he made a mistake and will experience a sense of loss. Demanding an explanation, on the contrary is the worst thing you can do – it shows a neediness and men cannot stand a needy woman.

By telephone – This one is great fun. When he says, “I want to break up” you could ask him to repeat himself and then pretend that the signal is breaking up, saying “sorry, you are breaking up?” and eventually hanging up on him. Avoid his calls until you see him. Least he could do is have common decency and tell you to your face. When he does, you could thank him for the respect he showed by doing this to your face and wish him good luck in future.

It is key to leave with all your dignity in tact. Be calm and do not make a scene (in front of him!) – in the privacy of your own bedroom behind a closed door, you can do whatever you like!

Sooner or later you are bound to start dating a great new guy, who is probably a great catch, but he just irritates you when he does not weigh up to Mr Ex, whom you are still missing terribly. Having him around is however a sign that you are not as bad as you thought and Mr. Ex should know that. What better way than to send him an email, just to let him know how great you are doing? It sounds sweet enough, but in truth you really just want him to know what he is missing out on.

Do not do it! It will show him that you are still pining for him and instead of running to you to declare that he has made a huge mistake – he will run even further away and warn everyone that you are a typical, predictable woman his mother has warned him against.

How much should you tell?

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It is normal to want to know everything that has happened in his past; all his previous sexual encounters he had and with whom, in detail, in order to achieve an open and honest relationship. It is a great goal if you could achieve it and share all these intimate details and both you and your partner could forget about it afterwards, it is however not that simple for most people.

Hearing your partner recount some things they shared with another person could haunt you forever - especially if it is with someone you have met or know about. Therefore it is better to speak of your past in general terms and not to go into detail.

Is it always pleasant to know? I do not think so and that is exactly why he may be hesitant to share them with you.

Of course it is important when embarking on a sexual relationship to know some details and possible risks associated with his past.

It is good to remember that you may also have a past that involved sex with other people and you may be hesitant to share this with him. It may be something you'd like to forget.

Past memories are kept in your mind for ages and they are often remembered when you experience smells, tastes or visions from your past and if you share memories with your partner and they notice you acting strange every time you are reminded of an ex, they will also be reminded of that particular incident and may get resentful.

If it is a burden for you to carry, then why put the burden onto him as well? It is much simpler to keep it light and just create your own unforgettable memories and it is always nice to have good memories to go back to. . . Best of all - nobody needs to know!

What is love?

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Women are born with that homing instinct and a dream of being loved and cherished by that special man of our dreams. When we meet a great guy and we hit it off with them right away, we are over the moon and filled with the joys of love.

We go on a few dates and everything is just amazing. He is so attractive, so much fun to hang around with and funny…and he says the sweetest things!

A few weeks later, you start wondering where things are headed. Why does he still take calls when other girls call him? The more you think about it, the more worried you become.

Then you hint towards some form of seriousness, going steady so that you do not have to worry about his intentions anymore. (At this point some girls will decide to be intimate with a guy, just to “seal the deal”. We will discuss the wisdom of this decision later on)

Unfortunately, he does not respond well to your hints. In fact, he becomes distant and may start acting aloof. This just turns your impatience into anxiety and you start trying harder to be a better girlfriend, doing everything you believe to be the right thing. You start looking after him, doing little favours, calling him often and the more you do the more distant he seems.

Eventually you crack and start yelling and screaming, demanding that he starts giving you attention right now. Unfortunately, any attraction he felt for you initially is gone.

For a guy to fall in love with a girl is a long process. Men do not get crazy crushes like we do, they get a deep and intense reaction and they cannot explain why. It is a sense of just wanting to be with her because she is fun to hang out with. Men like fun girls that laugh easily and are uncomplicated. Girls that can be themselves around guys and can laugh at themselves.

Men also take much slower to fall in love. They prefer a natural progression from casual dating into something more serious, unlike women who plan each stage carefully. A guy will start hanging out with a girl until one day when he will realize at the most impossible time, that he is in fact madly in love with her. When men experience that deep attraction, they become like little excited boys in a toyshop.

For men dating is a casual process of getting to know a woman, whereas with girls, it is often a means to an end. Women are born with that desire to be a wife and mother and we want to achieve that as soon as possible.

Reasons why teenagers date:

Recreation - fun and enjoyment
Learning - becoming more skilled at dating interactions
Status - impressing others according to how often one dates and whom one dates
Companionship - sharing pleasurable activities with another person
Intimacy - establishing a close emotional relationship with another person
Courtship - seeking someone to have as a steady partner

When you are ready to start dating, you need to do some work first which will ensure success. With success I mean that it will be a pleasant learning experience. You will not be married in a month’s time and you will never marry the first guy you date, but it will be a good foundation to build on to ensure that one day you will meet a great guy to share love with. After all, building love takes time and a relationship takes out of you, often more than what you get in return.

At such a young age, it is important not to over-invest in a relationship. Over-investing happens when:

You give more than you receive in a relationship
The other person’s expectations are too high
The relationship is taken too seriously in light of your age
You neglect family, friends, hobbies and duties in favour of another person
You stop making time for yourself and things that were important to you before

If one or more of the points above applies, you need to take steps to either take charge of your own life or you should put an end to this relationship. Nobody is worth so much love and these emotional ties are not appropriate or healthy for someone your age.

Men react very differently to us women and they most certainly do not analyse our every move like we do theirs. We get excessively excited too soon and often ruin potential relationships by over-reacting.

Have a crush?

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As a young adult I had so many crushes on so many guys. It is only natural to develop crushes and sometimes even infatuations with many boys or young men, sometimes simultaneously. It is only wrong when you become promiscuous, but if nobody knows, nobody (including yourself) can get hurt.

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach and knees that turn into jelly is only natural. Chemical changes in our bodies are very new and hormones are rushing around at such rapid pace that it is very hard to not be caught up in the excitement.

Many girls develop an infatuation with a teacher or another older man, who is often married. The definition of infatuation is a) foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration or b) temporary love of an adolescent. This is different to a crush on a boy in that there is an irrational element to it.

Girls that become infatuated with a teacher (or other older man) could easily start believing that he feels the same about her and develop irrational expectations such as believing that the man may leave his wife for her. At this point the girl could easily start acting in ways that are harmful to herself and her teacher. This is usually not intentional, more a result of uncontrollable emotions.

It is vital when you start feeling stirrings of emotion towards an older and particularly married man, to bear in mind the fact that 99% percent of men in a recent survey said that they would not leave their wife for someone else. Of course a man feels flattered when a girl is so obviously in love with him, but he is not likely no reciprocate in the way that you dream that he would.

Making use of opportunities

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Have you ever heard your parents or friends talk about someone who has achieved great success, saying: “She was lucky to get that opportunity.”

Robert Kiyosaki is a world-renowned motivational speaker who has achieved great success in the property market and he uses this phrase: “Luck is when good preparation meets a great opportunity.” That means that you have to prepare (by working hard at your studies) so that you will be able to succeed when the right opportunity finds you.

In preparation for this, you need to take advantage of opportunities along the way, however you should not wait on opportunities, you should actively seek to find ways in which you could shape your talents towards your direction of choice.

Some schools offer career counseling where your motivations, interests and personality are matched and suitable career options are assessed. Most colleges offer this as part of their pre-enrolment programme. Alternatively, professional career counselors are available to assist.

Bear in mind that your parents may not be able to pay for a tertiary education, but other options are available. Many companies offer bursaries to promising students, which is another motivation to give it your best. Usually, companies that offer bursaries employ you at the end of your studies to “pay off” your bursary.

Alternatively, getting an “on the job” qualification is an option. Should you wish to become a hairdresser, you could take a menial job at a salon, such as reception or even passing curlers, to take care of your expenses until you are qualified.

The same applies for many careers and it’s worth a try even if you have to donate your time during school holidays or in the evenings. Do not see it as free labour, but as free training.

It may not be your dream job, but you have to start somewhere, see it as a stepping-stone. Unfortunately we cannot just waltz into a career, we have to work for everything!

No matter how talented you are in a certain professional field, you need to be qualified as a hairdresser; for instance, you need to know about different hair types and what styles suit which face types and a multitude of other things.

What I am trying to say is that instead of giving up because you do not have what you want (money to study) or because it is a bit harder than you anticipated, you should rather embrace the fact that you get to follow your dream despite some difficulties. Initial hardship will ensure you enjoy it so much more once you achieve your goal.

When things are harder than you anticipated, do not turn on the brakes on your studies, instead, work harder to break through hurdles, which are bound to occur. Turning on brakes will simply prolong the whole process.

Money and your future

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You may have heard adults talk about the high unemployment rate or you may even know people who are unemployed. We need money to survive, to buy food, pay bills and to buy assets, such as homes and cars, furniture and daily items such as toiletries and to pay for transport.

Being unemployed is not easy. Not only are you too broke to do stuff or buy things that other people do, there is also added stress of not knowing what your future holds and where you will find money in an emergency. Everything tends to go wrong simultaneously when you have not planned sufficiently. There is a saying that goes: If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Some unemployed people are lucky to have parents to support them, however you can only expect so much support. Even your parents can only support you so long before they start getting angry with you; they supported you for 18 years, it is your turn to be on your own now.

Eventually, when resentment within you has built up for long enough, you may start feeling that they are controlling you, expecting you to do things for them and telling you how to live your life. This situation could become very uncomfortable for all of you, so rather avoid it. Step out and make a life for yourself.

Your parents have worked for many years to be able to pay for your education, living expenses and support you and they still need to sustain themselves during their retirement and pensions usually are just not enough.

There are a variety of theories on how to plan for your retirement; one being that you should start saving money every month from your 20^th birthday. That is a novel idea, provided a) you have any money left after taking care of all your bills and b) you ensure that you save enough to cover the ever-increasing rate of inflation.

Let us look at inflation:

Inflation is the rate at which the cost of living increases over time. In recent years, the inflation rate has been very steep as it is dependent on the price of oil, which affects the rate of fuel, which affects the cost of delivery of goods from the producers to the consumer, you.

I know a number of people in their 60s and 70s who did everything right when they were yours and my age. They worked hard, they saved, took out pensions and retirement annuities (policies which pay out money when you retire), yet now at their old age they still have to work to sustain themselves.

In the old days, people started working when they left school at 18 and retired at 65, enjoying their golden years on their pensions. Since the introduction of automation (computers and machinery) there are fewer jobs available. Companies prefer to employ older people who are more stable, as they find younger generations change jobs much more often. There is a cost attached to training new people repeatedly to fill jobs that people have left.

Therefore, certain private companies choose to employ more mature people to fill jobs, as they are also found to be more experienced and reliable. This leaves a problem for young people who need jobs. You are expected to prove yourself before you can be employed, but how do you gain experience and prove yourself if you cannot find employment?

Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, as it forces us as young people to become more inventive to keep up with growth-rates which are taking place in first world countries, such as America.

We need to apply ourselves and build on our strengths. There is a hidden entrepreneur in every one of us and everyone has a talent, which we can turn into a business. Whether you want to be an entrepreneur or an employee, your future starts today.

The starting point of your career is not when you send in your CV, but when you are at school. You need to work hard at school, get an education. There is more to school than boring subjects you will never use again. It is about learning discipline and when you fail a subject, to learn to take disappointments on the chin and work a bit harder next time in order to succeed.

Life is all about tests. There are so many tests in life every day that we are to be prepared to be responsible enough to face them head on and press through to pass them. As you move through tests at each stage in your life, you become a stronger person who is able to grow without falling apart at every hurdle.

As a student you have only one priority and that is to work hard and learn as much as you can in preparation for your future. If you make a success of that, you are likely to succeed at life as an adult, providing you stick to your good habits.

How to look sexy, yet stylish

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Classy Cute Slutty Pretty Sexy

Clothing should be classy, yet comfortable. Too revealing leaves nothing to the imagination and therefore is also not attractive.

If you are overweight, don’t wear clothes that are too tight or too loose. For every shape and size, there is a comfortable style. Wear clothes in your size and you will be sure to look good.

A well-fitting pair of jeans in each colour can be dressed up or down with a different blouse and shoes and you will never go wrong.

Dresses and skirts are feminine and attractive.

Nailcare

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Dark nail colours are not suitable to young girls as it could create an image of maturity beyond your age, which could make the wrong idea with men. A clear nail polish, perhaps a light pink or French manicure looks beautiful on young hands and is suitable for special occasions too.

Nails should also not be too long. If you face the palm of your hand, your nails should not stick over the back more than 1cm. File the nails square and not round as this strengthens nails. Chewing your nails is a big no-no!

Be sure to keep your cuticles pushed back and your hands moisturised. Put on lotion each time you wash your hands. A woman’s age first shows on the neck and hands!

Toenails should also be kept trimmed, however you can go for a dark pink polish here.

Be sure to keep your cuticles pushed back and your hands moisturised. Put on lotion each time you wash your hands. A woman’s age first shows on the neck and hands!

Toenails should also be kept trimmed, however you can go for a dark pink polish here.

Goldie Locks

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If your hair looks good, it will be the first thing people notice about you and if your hair is bad, that will also be the first thing people notice about you.

Your hair should be trimmed every 4-6 weeks and if you have long hair, you need to have it cut into style every 6 months.

Healthy, clean hair is a great beauty tool and so versatile, especially long hair.

Hair should be as natural as possible. My natural hair colour is mousy – or ‘ash blonde’ as professionals call it. I like to add highlights, sometimes. The idea is that your hair colour should match your natural colouring and it can be slightly enhanced to bring out your beauty, not to make you look completely different.

A new fashion trend is to colour your hair as white, black or red as possible and sometimes even all of the above simultaneously. Chopped styles are also fashionable. Nothing unnatural is ever attractive – stick to natural and you’ll be sure to look good.

Hair standing on end, stiff with styling products is just not cool – it is so 80’s. Everyone who has hair understands that you are at the mercy of the elements and that the wind can play havoc, especially with long hair. Let your hair breath! Rather use a scrunchy to keep it in place and carry a brush on you to tidy it up.

Also be careful with frequent blow-drying and straightening. Let your hair rest and breathe and be sure to use products suited to your hair type, such as shampoo and conditioner for ‘colour treated hair’ and heat resistant products if you are going to blow-dry and straighten.

Health and beauty

2008-07-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

Finally, a lighter topic! Here we get to chat about some girly stuff…

We will start with some skin-care pointers:

By the age of 16 you should be using a skin-care range that compliments your skin type. Many teenage girls have problem skin what with all the hormone fluctuations. It is only natural, do not obsess about it. More importantly, do not squeeze pimples as it just makes things worse and scars are sometimes permanent.

Be sure to use a skin-care program especially formulated for young skin. Upon waking up, unless you went to bed with make-up, you only need to use some lukewarm water. You should use the skin-care programme after gym and before you go to bed.

Always remove your make-up before bed and use a special spot-cream for young skin.

On the note of make-up, the key is ‘less is more’. If you take good care of your skin, you only need a light layer of brown mascara and a smudge of lip-gloss. The idea is to enhance your natural beauty, not the turn yourself into someone else.

You may be tempted to cover up with foundation and concealer, but do not give in to this habit. It simply blocks your pores more and will cause more pimples and blackheads.

Always use sunscreen on your face and your whole body. From age 25 up, you should start using an anti-ageing cream.

Tattoos, how to get them on and off

2008-07-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

How is it done?

During this procedure, a needle that's connected to a small machine with tubes containing dye, pierces your skin repeatedly — an action that resembles that of a sewing machine. With every puncture, the needle inserts tiny ink droplets. This process, which may last up to several hours for a large tattoo, could possibly cause a small amount of bleeding and potentially a lot of pain.

What are the risks?

The skin is a protective barrier for your body and tattooing could make you more susceptible to skin infections. This also applies to permanent make-up.

Specific risks include:

Blood-borne diseases such as hepatitis C, hepatitis B, tetanus, tuberculosis and HIV — the virus that causes AIDS.

§ Skin disorders such as granulomas, especially if your tattoo includes red ink.

§ Skin infections include various local bacterial infections.

§ Allergic reactions, sometimes years after you had the tattoo done.

People are often dissatisfied with their tattoos; luckily technology made removal an option. These are the methods that are available:

Laser surgery is the most effective method, but you may need treatment over 12 months and it may not erase the tattoo completely.
Dermabrasion is not painful; it may however leave a car.
Surgical removal can leave a scar too.

Another form of self-mutilation is the cutting of yourself with razors.

Individuals who self-mutilate often have suffered sexual, emotional, or physical abuse at the hands of someone they trusted. By hurting themselves, they symbolize the loss or pain present in their relationship with the person who hurt them.

The person who self-harms often has difficulty expressing their emotions freely. Consequently, cutting or disfiguring a part of their body is their way of expressing themselves and coping with the hurt and distracting themselves from the hurt.

Again, this form of self-mutilation could leave scars forever too. Please consider counseling and be sure to read the last two chapters in this book.

Tattoos

2008-07-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Tattoos are the most common example of self-mutilation, in the name of ‘art’. It is very easy to get caught up in the hype when celebrities get new tattoos and we just have to run off to the nearest tattoo parlour to add to our art and we just cannot wait to show it off to all our friends.

As with alcohol and drugs, one could become addicted to tattoos too and sooner or later you run out of space on your body to put more tattoos. When I thought about getting a tattoo to look cool, I reminded myself of the fact that I had a dream of a picture pretty wedding and a tattoo would really spoil the soft, feminine look on my wedding photos forever.

A tattoo is a permanent mark or design made on your skin with pigments inserted through pricks into your skin's top layer.

Drinks, drugs and date rape

2008-07-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

A recent article in a local magazine tells a story of a 17-year-old girl who died at a party at friends' house. Autopsy reports are awaited to confirm suspicions whether her drink was 'spiked' as blood tests show that she had very little alcohol in her blood stream when she first started feeling dizzy and her heart started beating rapidly. She became unconscious and died of heart failure shortly after.

In light of this I want to speak out about what happened to me 8 years ago as I feel we should create an awareness for young girls who think that this only happens to 'people we do not know'.

I was 18 years old, living with my uncle and his third wife and her son and a lady friend of theirs who was visiting. The young lady, Michelle* was a drug addict. A variety of circumstances rendered me quite emotional and vulnerable and I just wanted to go to bed when Michelle and Jacques* asked me to take a drive with them. I agreed, insisting that when I get back home I want to go to bed. Alas, after picking up another friend of theirs, Jaco* and a bottle of alcohol, they invited me to stay for 'just one drink and chat' outside. Reluctantly, or shall I say stupidly, I agreed. I have never been good at saying 'no' and their arguments were convincing. I forgot about all the times that they said I should try some drugs with them, as it would make me feel good.

Shortly after sitting down they said they forgot to get glasses and Michelle asked me to go with her to the kitchen to get glasses. Halfway up the stairs the guys called us back and said they actually had glasses and my drink was poured already. I was too tired, miserable and naive to question this sudden appearance of the glasses.

As the glasses clinked and I took my first sip, I immediately went into a 'trance'. Up until today I have certain flashbacks - the same ones, never any different ones in order to put together the whole puzzle of what happened that night. It is very frustrating and humiliating, as I do not really know what happened. What I can say with certainty is thank God, I was not raped.

Date rape drugs are used to assist sexual assault as it renders the victim helpless and often unconscious. An added benefit to the perpetrator is that the victim often does not remember what happened during their loss of consciousness.

That is what happened to me -the next day I did not know what had happened at all. Over time and with the realisation of what happened and a variety of flashbacks, I have managed to put together a picture in my mind and all I feel is a strange mix of violation and relief. They violated me and I was so stupid that I did not realise it.

I have put my trust and my life into the hands of people with evil intentions and many girls do it every day. . . I am relieved that they were unable to violate me physically due to the fact that they were intoxicated themselves. I sound like a hypocrite based on my state at the time, but I have never been drunk in my life.

I have learnt from this experience not to trust people so easily and want you to be sure to take care of the following:

Get to know people in your own space where you have people around with whom you feel safe.

Do not drink with strangers and if you are having any (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) beverage in public, be sure to have it in your hand at all times and keep an eye on people invading your personal space.

Do not accept drinks from strangers.

Say NO when you are uncomfortable at all.

Always go out with at least one good friend that you know you can trust.

Drink slowly, one sip at a time with time in between. This way the effects will take time to set in and you will be able to seek help immediately when you start feeling strange.

These tips are not guaranteed to keep you safe, but they will sure let any prospective perpetrator know that you are well aware and that may scare them off. The fact that they feel the need to drug someone to get into their pants shows their cowardice.

If you start feeling strange and think your drink may have been spiked, immediately call someone to take care of you. Do not let a stranger look after you as they may easily take advantage of you.

There are various drugs, which are used in date rape, and some of them are addictive, such as GHB (AKA: Liquid Ecstasy, Liquid X, Grievous Bodily Harm), which they used on me, as well as ketamine, rohypnol and alcohol.

GHB is a homemade drug containing ingredients such as paint-stripper and more. It has a slightly salty taste. It is freely available to kids on the streets and in wrong dosages could kill you, as happened to the girl in the article I mentioned.

Things happen for a reason and that answers my question: Why, oh why was I overweight at that age? If I was of normal weight I would have been incapacitated earlier on, before them and they could have had their way with me. Alternatively, perhaps an incorrect dosage could have killed me.

Substances such as drugs and alcohol impair judgment and sometimes cause depression. You could also quite easily overdose, which could lead to brain damage or death.

Some people have a drink occasionally. Some say it is to take the edge off the day’s problems; while some only drink at social gatherings and others have a serious drinking problem. Personal issues can range from underlying emotional reasons for drinking, underage drunk driving, peer pressure, employment related problems and general unhappiness. Whichever category a person falls into, everyone needs to be aware of long-term effects of alcohol on health; as well as the effects it has on those who are near and dear to us.

Alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream and is distributed into the mouth, throat, stomach and intestines. Effects of long-term alcohol use can cause all types of problems, both within an individual’s body and with their environment.

Health risks can begin as indigestion, peptic-ulcers, sore throats and chronic nausea. These medical symptoms can progress into more serious diseases if they remain untreated.

The pancreas regulates blood sugar and prolonged, heavy drinking can lead to a diagnosis of pancreatitis.

Women can experience trouble with their menstrual cycle, sterility or experience pre-menopausal occurrences. Do not let drinking take away from you the joy of having your own baby one day.
Cirrhosis is a disease of the liver that can be fatal.

Cancer of the esophagus and other vital organs.

For all these reasons, long-term effects of alcohol use should be strongly evaluated by any person who drinks on a regular basis.

Then, there is the legal enforcement side of long-term alcohol use – a criminal record. Drinking and driving on repetitive levels can land a person in jail. Also consider the effects your drunk driving could have on others.

I received an email just this morning, which I would like to share with you:

It is about a beautiful young lady; a 17-year old drunken driver hit the car Jacqueline Subrido was driving home in one night from a party. She appeared on Oprah along with the young man who caused her to sustain 60% burns and required more than 40 operations.

Once an individual has been charged with drunk driving, the law record of the incident will follow them for the rest of their lives. The guilt associated with killing an innocent person, even longer.

Alcoholism can have an extremely detrimental effect on current and future employment, family and your social life.

Female drinkers reach higher blood alcohol levels (BAL) faster because we carry less water and more fat in the body and because of differences in digestive enzymes between men and women. Women develop alcohol-related disorders such as brain damage, cirrhosis and cancers at lower levels of drinking than men. It is also known that the menstrual cycle affects alcohol metabolism in women. Women have been shown to develop their highest BAL's immediately before menstruating, and their lowest on the first day of menstruation. This can be related to hormone level shifts. There is evidence, which shows that premenstrual syndrome with its emotional effects and physical discomfort, and de-stabilised blood-sugar levels can trigger excessive drinking in some women.

Drugs such as marijuana and cocaine that are used, like alcohol, for "recreational" purposes have different, but similarly harmful, physical and emotional effects.

Frequent use of marijuana can lead to "amotivational syndrome", in which the user becomes apathetic, loses their ability to set realistic goals and lacks drive and ambition.

“Crack" Cocaine, which comes in various forms, and amphetamines, are fast-acting stimulants, which cause an excitement in the user. People who use alcohol and stimulant drugs together will need to drink more to feel the relaxing effects of alcohol because of the “high” caused by the stimulant drug. When stimulant effects wear off, the alcohol effects "catch up" quickly, and that can be extremely dangerous, both in terms of physical effects and distortions of perception and judgment and overdose is likely.

Smoking harms nearly every organ of the body; causing many diseases and reducing the health of smokers in general. More deaths are caused each year by tobacco use than by all deaths from human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), illegal drug use, alcohol use, motor vehicle injuries, suicides, and murders combined.

In the 1950’s smoking was believed to be sexy. Things have changed a lot though and these days there is a different definition for sexy. A woman is found sexy by men if she has healthy skin, fresh breath and smells nice. Smoking harms that whole picture and it makes you sick – there is just no value to it! In a recent survey it was found that more than 90% of men would not ask a woman out who smokes or drinks excessively.

Me, myself and I

2008-07-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

I will spare you the lecture on food pyramids, eating your greens and staying away from fast foods… (I was taught that I should practice what I preach!) I am however going to tell you some other things about your health that you may not know.

These are things we are not taught in Biology class, but they are important and my aim is not to scare the living daylights out of you, but to prepare you for a healthy future. If you want a good life where you are happy with a great family and loads of money, you need a good body to take you on a ride of a lifetime.

I have spoken about pillars of character, now I want to talk about the foundations of your body. Your body is a temple of our Lord and you need to respect it as such. You need to take care of your body and not abuse it. If you respect your body, it will reward your with many healthy years.

You will be surprised to know how the smallest things can affect your body and leave long-term effects, causing you to suffer when you are older.

Some things are out of your control, but it is important that you take preventative measures wherever you can.

How do I say no?

2008-07-17T08:08:00.001-07:00

Saying no indeed is a difficult thing to do, but the consequences of saying yes when we should be saying no often outweigh the short term trauma of just saying no.

When you are pressurized, it is best to just be direct and say ‘no!’ loud and clear. If you are unsure of anything, say no. If it were right, you would have no doubt whatsoever, but that little alarm in your head is a clear enough indicator that it is a no.

Oftentimes, we forget who is doing whom a favour. You may think of doing something kind for someone out of the goodness of your heart and really enjoy the appreciation and you will more than likely offer to do it again. Some recipients of your kindness will soon enough start taking advantage of your kindness and start expecting you to favours for them all the time. Now gratitude has made place for greed and you will be doing them a favour to decline in a nice way. Find something else to keep you busy on that day or just let them down gently.

Perhaps they will be a little upset, but they will get over it sooner or later and you will not end up in an emotional trap.

The price of popularity

2008-07-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

Peer pressure is a term describing a person's changes, or temptations to change, in attitude, behavior and morals as directly or indirectly influenced by their peer group and it can be a positive or a negative thing. In this chapter we talk about the negative aspect of peer pressure.

This kind of peer pressure takes place when teenagers are pressurized overtly or even subtly to take part in activities that they are not always comfortable with, or that they know will not please their parents.

When I was a teenager we were talking about drugs being the biggest issue to contend with – and I did not even know anyone who took drugs. In 2007, however there are so many other temptations, all prerequisites of being cool.

Your friends ‘sell’ you an idea and it sounds like it could be fun and surely your friends would not ask you to do something harmful, besides, everyone else does it. Being accepted is of huge importance for teenagers. Today, acceptance is still important to me, but I am not prepared to forfeit my values in order to get accepted.

Acceptance often weighs more heavily on my scale of priorities than money. Wade would tell me that he’s proud of my new business idea and that it will make us a ton of money and I would look at him with a faraway look in my eyes, saying “Finally I would get all the recognition I deserve…” when in fact I need money more than recognition right now.

What is recognition really and whom do you want acceptance from? Surely your friends have accepted you and if they expect you to do things that you are not comfortable with in order for you to remain acceptable, they are not worth being called friends?

If you want recognition from people you do not really know so that you can become part of their group, it is always a bad idea.

I heard a saying once that hurt back then, but it is so true:

“You would not worry about what people think if only you knew that they never think about you.”

In other words, people that are ‘controlling’ your thoughts may not even be aware of your existence. In which case, you had much rather impress them with your good set of values and great personality.

Dealing with abuse

2008-07-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

Abuse is something that affects many teens today. Abuse comes in different forms and can be physical, emotional or sexual. These are the definitions of each:

Physical Abuse:

Infliction of physical pain, discomfort, injury or physical coercion such as hitting, shoving, pushing, burning and physical restraint.
Type of maltreatment that refers to physical acts that caused or could have caused physical injury to another person.

Emotional / Mental Abuse:

Verbally mistreating or withholding positive emotional support from a child.
An adult speaking to a child in ways that are intended to demean shame, threaten, blame, intimidate, or unfairly criticize the child.
Long-term situation in which one person uses his or her power or influence to adversely affect the mental well being of another.
Rejection, isolation, exploitation, and terror.

Sexual Abuse:

Activities by a parent or caretaker such as fondling a child's genitals, penetration, incest, rape, sodomy, indecent exposure, and exploitation through prostitution or the production of pornographic materials.
Sexual abuse is sexual contact that is forced, tricked, threatened, or otherwise coerced upon another person.

It is very important to seek help if you are abused in any way. Seek help from a parent, teacher or other trustworthy adult. Lifeline is a nationwide organization that offers counseling and support services to victims of abuse, rape and other kinds of trauma. Your sessions will remain confidential, as counselors are obliged to conform to client confidentiality codes.

I would however urge you to consider reporting the matter to the child protection service at any police station. Think of other kids that are exposed to this too. Sexual offenders usually have more than one victim at a time and if another girl is less strong than you are, who knows what the perpetrator could do to her?

I have nothing to live for

2008-07-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

I am sure that each teenager at some point in their life, thinks about committing suicide. As a teenager we do not have the necessary coping skills to deal with life’s problems and often these problems feel too large to cope with on our own and oftentimes, we do not feel that we have the support structure to talk to and help us through our problems. I myself have thought about it numerous times and only now as a parent myself I can see why it is always a bad idea.

God has given us everything we need and enough of it to deal with each problem in life. Suicide is never solution, it is a simply an easy way out and shows that you do not have good coping skills to deal with life and that you don’t put your trust in God.

Have you ever lost someone to suicide? I have not personally, but I have a friend who lost her father to suicide and today, eight years later she is still mourning for him along with her mother, sisters and the rest of her family. Do you really want to put your family through that agony?

Teens sometimes want to commit suicide when they feel they don’t get enough attention and if they hurt themselves, it will show their parents that they need attention. They don’t intend to commit suicide, but freak accidents happen, resulting in your family being broken apart and you still don’t get attention. Statistics show that up to 80% of marriages fail after the loss of a child.

Rather start using some tips I will share towards the end of the book to find purpose in your life and learn to look for an opportunity in each situation instead of spiraling into a dark pit of depression.

Love yourself

2008-07-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

Insecurity affects most young girls; once again body changes being a big culprit in this matter.

If damage caused by insecurity stopped at shyness, it would be less of an issue, but it leads to worse issues, such as over-compromising in the wrong areas.

Some men have a peculiar sense in finding young girls that are insecure and then take advantage of them.

When I was 14 years old, I met an older guy who was attractive to me and he gave me all the attention a girl could ever ask for. He wrote me long letters almost daily and told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. He wanted to wait for me to complete my school career and we’d get married as soon as I did. He told me that he would buy all the Tupperware we needed and a nice house; we would have beautiful kids and be happy ever after. I was floating on cloud number 9.

Eventually he moved away when he found a job, but continued writing to me, telling me how much he is missing me and looking forward to his next weekend at home. I saw him again on Christmas day when he brought his fiancé to be introduced to my parents. My heart shattered into a million pieces.

All those letters and cards and declarations of love meant nothing to him. I was just a little confidence boost whilst he had no confidence either. Until today he has no stable career and has done nothing towards his future. He is divorced from the lady he left me for and had a baby with.

Thinking back about it now, I cannot recall one intelligent conversation we ever had, but I was madly in love. Everyone warned me to stay away from him. I am just very happy that I never gave in to his advances and that I never had sex with him.

Try understanding that you are not alone with your insecurity. Even those who seem very confident, have issues with insecurity. These are possible signs that you are insecure:

Obsession with your looks – trying to ‘fix’ everything about yourself or trying to emulate someone that you admire
Shyness – you don’t make friends easily and stay out of the limelight
Playing down compliments or achievements

Sometimes you may be well aware of your insecurity and you may try to hide it by acting in ways such as these:

Acting wild to get into the limelight
Aggression or irritability
Substance abuse

There is no quick fix, but you could try build up your self-esteem by doing the following:

Accept failure – nobody is perfect; we all fail at some point in our lives.
Don’t come to hasty conclusions – you may be wrong in your assumptions.
Don’t dwell on the past; every hurdle brings you closer to the finish line.
Face your fears – you will see that it’s not as difficult as you thought.
Reward yourself for every achievement, no matter how small.
Positive self-talk – see the good in you and build on that.
Don’t let insults break you down – those that insult you may well be jealous of you.

In your gratitude journal (discussed elsewhere in this book), make a point for writing something you love about yourself daily. If your hair looks good, write it down. If you did well in a test, write it down.

Milk compliments for all their worth! Don’t play them down. People wouldn’t compliment you if they did not mean it. If you play down compliments, it comes across as though you don’t appreciate it and people will be less likely to compliment you again.

Divorce and single parenting

2008-07-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

Divorce is never easy; not for kids affected by it and most definitely not for parents. In early days, before the separation takes place and one parent moves out, there may be conflict at home, making it difficult to have any fun at all – you may even feel like you don’t want to be there at all. Your parents will more than likely be pre-occupied most of the time and seem not to be very attentive to your needs, in fact they may even forget important events.

Insecurity could make you more needy than usual and sometimes your parents may shout at you because of it. Try to understand that it is not you.

Of course, if your parents have one argument, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are going to get divorced. Even people that love each other more than life itself will argue from time to time.

You need to try understanding that a divorce is never the children’s’ fault, so do not blame yourself. People get married and sometimes it just does not work out. People fall out of love and there could be irreconcilable differences that cause them to be unable to stay married.

During times like these you may feel angry and resentful towards your parents for being so ‘weak’ and turning your life up-side down by not just working out their problems.

Support both parents equally, no matter whom you are staying with after their separation. Do not side with one parent, even if they become irrational and say you are being unfair. Show them that you are a responsible young adult and that you can handle this in a mature way. The same applies to grandparents who may try to side with their child against one of your parents. Don’t allow one parent to badmouth the other to you.

You may be angry about your parents’ divorce, in which case I suggest you find someone you can confide in, such as a teacher or a friend who has been through a divorce. Also, try keeping your chin up – parents today are getting much better at co-parenting children.

Conflict in the home

2008-07-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

At some point in time all families experience conflict, whether it be problems in the parent/child relationship or sibling rivalry. See this for what it is, an important course to teach you how to cope as an adult with conflict in the outside world.

We are all unique with different personalities and sometimes we clash when we don’t understand why people do the things they do.

At some point, this too shall pass. Meanwhile, have self-control and do not aggravate the situation, no matter how tempted you are. Just keep it cool and behave as you always do, try not to let the conflict get to you and don’t aggravate the situation.

Often times we get so swept up in the emotional aspects of an argument that we forget to even find out what the real underlying factors are. Instead of sulking or being spiteful, rather be co-operative – your parents will definitely give you more rope if you co-operate.

Should conflict affect your schoolwork, speak to a counselor or teacher.

Friends are chosen - family not!

2008-07-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

Many teenagers are ashamed of their families, because they are old-fashioned or weird and not financially well off like our friends’ families. Funny thing is that our friends feel just like that about their own families; they just do not tell you that!

It is vital that your friends and family get to know one another; no matter I said earlier that life is not what it used to be. Bad things happen and many tragedies could have been avoided if parents knew exactly what their kids were up to at all times.

For your safety, please, do not keep your friends away. It is vital that your family know where you are at all times. Imagine your parents asked about your schedule every time they had people over just because they were embarrassed by you and didn’t want you around when their friends came? Okay, I know that might sound cool at first, but look a bit deeper. You are their gorgeous, intelligent daughter and parents like to show of their gorgeous intelligent daughters, but for some reason, they are ashamed of you. How would that feel? Now just imagine what your family would feel like if they knew you felt this way about them?

Sometimes your parents may not like your friends. Instead of getting angry, rather listen and try to understand where they are coming from. Ask your parents to get to you’re your friend in the safety of your home before letting you venture out on your own with the friend. However, you needn’t tell your friend this is the case. You need to show a united front with your parents.

Allay their fears and reach a compromise with your parents, allowing them to have some control of the situation and allowing you to be able to see your friend. Agree to let your parents know when you are hanging out with the friend in question if they agree not to nag about it

Parents, and I believe mothers in particular have a really special instinct when it comes to their children’s safety. Be honest!

Pillars of Character 6. Compromise

2008-07-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes, when an agreement cannot be reached, we have to call for compromise. Many people miss-understand the concept of compromise and when they expect you to compromise, they actually expect you to give up on what you wanted entirely.

That is not what compromise is. Compromise is reaching middle ground, which satisfies both parties in a disagreement.

An example would be when you and your friend usually go to a movie on Fridays, but this week your friend wants to attend a party, which you do not really want to go to. In this case you could go to your movie and your friend could go to their party and you can spend time together on Saturday. Otherwise you could agree to go with to the party and your friend agrees to go to the movie with you on Saturday. Both parties get what they want and sacrifice in a small way.

Sometimes reaching compromise is more difficult, in which case you need to decide how important your viewpoint is. In your mind, give your viewpoint a level of importance between 1-10 (10 being most important) and do the same for your partner. What difference would going to the movie on Saturday make? What are your reasons for not wanting to attend the party? How important is that party? Did her dream guy ask her to attend? That would make it quite important to her!

Realistically scoring the importance of the situation to each person would make it very easy to reach compromise – simply let the person with the higher score get their way this time and make it clear that next time is the other person’s turn.

Don’t get into a situation where you are forced to do something you really don’t want to do and by the same score, don’t force others to do what they don’t want to. Remember that you should never compromise on your values. Rather leave when a situation turns into a direction where you no longer feel comfortable.

Pillars of Character 5. Good Citizenship

2008-07-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Citizenship means being part of a community and doing your bit to make your community a better place.

A good citizen -

· Cares about the welfare of others in their community

· Volunteers for causes

· Does their best to keep the community clean and safe and finding ways of

improving it.

A good citizen does not pollute or take part in any anti-social behaviour; instead she protects her environment.

You should try to involve everyone in your community and inspire them to do their share in helping the school, family or country to be the best it can be; behaving responsibly, obeying rules and to respect law and order.

Your future is in the hands of you and your peers – let us build a nation of good citizens that are an example to the rest of the world!

Pillars of Character 4. Caring

2008-07-17T07:33:00.000-07:00

We do not always remember that our actions and decisions affect others as we are all so caught up in our own lives and often times people are so absorbed that we do not realize how our actions affect them.

Has someone ever made a senseless decision and the repercussions thereof hurt you, without them realizing?

Empathy and sympathy is showing care in others’ welfare as if our own happiness depended on it. This of course, like all the other elements of your character, should not be false or insincere.
We should also have the good judgment to know when others would prefer we do not involve ourselves in their situation. In other words, we should develop sensitivity to others’ personal boundaries.

Caring is about showing interest in others’ lives too and not just our own. Being kind and loving and considering others make a huge difference in the lives of others and it brings a new element of joy into our own lives.

When a friend is sick, do something kind for her or bring her notes from class without her having to ask. When someone is struggling, ask if you could help him or her. Do chores without your parents having to ask or help your little brother with his homework.

Caring is also about being forgiving readily. You cannot be caring and hold grudges simultaneously – it is just not possible!

A good way to start being more caring is to think of a kind thing you can do for someone every morning and do it!

Pillars of Character 4. Fairness

2008-07-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

Fairness is about treating people equally and having the same set of rules applying to everyone and being sure that everyone knows the rules. Everyone would receive the same punishment for breaking these rules.

Fairness is about being impartial, in other words, decisions are made without favouring one person or being prejudiced against them. This is especially handy in friendships with other girls where insecurity and jealousy could cause a lot of gossip and strife and relationships with siblings.

Facts are very important to a fair person and therefore you would give someone a fair chance to present their side of the story. As a fair person, you also need to listen carefully and try to understand how others feel and what they are trying to say. Facts are weighed up carefully and mistakes are always corrected.

It would be unfair if you:

Exploit others’ mistakes or lack of knowledge
Take more than your fair share
Do not allow emotions to influence decisions for others based on merit
Allow personal feelings to get in the way of what would be a good decision otherwise

If you treat others fairly, they will do the same to you.

Pillars of Character 3. Responsibility

2008-07-17T07:23:00.000-07:00

Responsibility is required in everything we do, it is not only for adults – it is for every one of all ages.

It is about doing what is required of you daily, such as school work, chores and personal responsibilities, such as brushing your teeth and taking care of your own safety to the best of your ability.

With responsibility comes accountability – taking responsibility for our actions and not blaming others when things go wrong. It includes not looking for excuses when we don’t reach targets or requirements, but accepting the part we played in the outcome of events.

Self-control is a big factor in responsibility. Self-control means controlling your anger, desires and taking the steps required to reach your goals; for example studying so that you can have good grades and get the reward you are working towards.

Responsible people do not look to blame others or justify irresponsible behaviour and have long-term vision and goals. If you are responsible, you will be looking towards doing good and persevere, even under pressure.

A responsible girl would be sure not to go out with strangers, she would stick to her curfew and let her parents know if she is running late as she would realize that they are worried about her.

Someone who is responsible would have their future mapped out before them, knowing which career they would like to follow and knowing the requirements. They would then take appropriate subjects at school and be sure to excel in their schoolwork, knowing that if they do not do their best now, they will not be able to make their dreams a reality.

Pillars of Character 2. Respect

2008-07-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

Respect is about valuing someone for who they are and not for what they have or what they look like. Everyone deserves respect, no matter what their skin-colour, achievements, religious beliefs, age or role within the community.

Respect is about not mocking people or gossiping about them, victimizing or bullying them. There is just no justification for doing those things. I told you earlier on about how I was ridiculed for developing breasts before most girls in my class – truth, on reflection is that some women (including those bully-girls) would pay any price to have large breasts. If only I knew it then…

People that are jealous of others often disrespect people and it is important to keep in mind the Biblical principle: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. ”

Respect for others often starts with you. If you lack self-respect, you will not respect others and it is harder to get on with people. When you respect people, your circle of influence is likely to grow from strength to strength.

Respect is cultivated when you are polite to others, even when they are different. It is about being well mannered and not making derogatory comments or doing things deliberately to hurt others.

Sometimes we pretend to have good intentions, yet in our hearts we do not have those same good intentions. Guard against doing that, be a person of character!

We have all experienced a lack of respect from others and it is especially hard for young people, as we are not often ‘heard’ by our elders. I find that very frustrating and hurtful to say the least. When people do this to me, I try to remember that they are losing out on a wonderful discussion and a controversial, possibly life-changing insight into my great mind – their loss! They may never again have the opportunity to learn that valuable lesson that God intended for them to hear from me.

Eleanor Rooseveldt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Remember those words next time you cringe into your little corner – you too deserve your little piece of sunshine and you too have value to add. Stand up – speak out and be heard.

You can gain respect is by showing respect and not falling apart when they disrespect you. Boost their self-respect all the time - they will be astonished!

Pillars of Character1. Trustworthiness

2008-07-17T07:14:00.000-07:00

Trust is built when you stay true to your word repeatedly. Trustworthy people are afforded more opportunities, as they are reliable.

It is often easier to tell a white lie than to tell the truth, however if you are found out it could damage the trust element in your relationship with the affected person.

Loyalty is a form of trustworthiness and sometimes it may demand that you give up some of your time, resources and opportunities.

You should be loyal / trustworthy:

To your family
To your friends
At school
When someone confides in you
In looking after the interests of those you care about
When someone breaks the rules

Trustworthiness also involves being yourself and not pretending that you are someone you are not. In other words, you should not inflate your own achievements or pretend you like certain things to impress someone else.

If you pay attention to news and media, you should be aware of corruption and crime in South Africa. You will also hear grown-ups talk about corrupt members of Parliament that do business underhandedly, which means that they are dishonest. I see dishonest people in business daily and I must tell you, it is very disheartening.

Corrupt people rob innocent people of what is rightfully theirs and dishonest people in business usually make false promises and do not keep their word. Besides the effect this horrible trait has on other people, it causes people like you and I to lose our trust in them and choose not to do business with them, which harms our livelihood.

You are very likely to encounter dishonest friends along the way and they may want to involve you in their dishonesty. This could be a difficult situation, as you need to be honest as well as loyal to your friend – how do you do that?

This brings to mind the time when my family went to visit my friend’s house. I was about 5 years old. My friend’s mother gave us a snack. I was content, remembering my mom’s teachings on etiquette; “do not ask for more than they give you unless they offer more; do not eat more than 2 biscuits when visiting other people.” My friend however suggested we go ask her mother for more and I declined at first. However, I have never been good at saying no, so she soon convinced me to go. Walking into the sitting room where our parents were talking, to my horror, she said. “Mom, Lizette asked if we could have more.”

Of course, my mom was shocked as that is very out of character for me and I never trusted this girl again, rightfully so as she turned out to be the biggest culprit during my days of being bullied. Of course I told my mom the truth and she believed me. I never needed to lie to my mother, as she was a trustworthy influence in my life – I could tell her anything and know that she would stand by me and that my secrets were safe with her. What an honour to have a mother like her.

Are you a person of character?

2008-07-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

I read a very interesting analogy in a magazine recently about what character is. The writer compared character with a Coke can. You would expect to find Coke in a Coke can, in other words, you expect what’s on the outside, should also be inside. You would be very disappointed to find tap water inside a Coke can!

The same goes for people – we generally prefer that people are the same inside as the picture they portray on the outside. It is very disappointing when you form an image of a person and find that they really are not what they seemed when we first met them.

We cannot speak for others, only for ourselves. In order to set an example for others, we need to start with ourselves. You can only change yourself.

Your true colours, (or character) usually shows in times that you experience pressure. Such as an empty coke can that crumples when squeezed, so a person empty of character crumples under pressure.

Challenge yourself to continually build your character by becoming strong in what we call the 6 pillars of character until they become habitual and part of your personality.

Einstein said that there is no such thing as darkness, but only an absence of light, you either have character or you don’t. If you do not have character, you lack character; there is no middle ground.

Character is needed to withstand pressure in your life in order to build strong foundations in your relationships with other people. Eventually, later in life your character will stand you in good stead in your relationship with your future husband, children and people you encounter in your career. Nobody wants to be associated with someone who lacks character.

Achieving balance

2008-07-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

Balance is what you need to strive for in all aspects of your life, such as Education, Family, Fun, Finances, Health, Spirituality, etc.

At times in our lives it is quite difficult to find balance. Different things require different levels of involvement and attention and it is easy to get into a mode where you are completely absorbed into one area of your life and you may neglect others, which are important too.

You know that you have achieved balance in your life when you are achieving success and feel content with all and each area of your life. At this point you will not feel rushed or stressed out. Yes, I know that teenagers too have stress!

Below is a diagram of my “Wheel of Life”, a simple tool to assess the balance of every area in my life.

You may re-create this for yourself by drawing a cirlce like this with spokes as per my diagram. Then, label the different areas with the labels I used above: Health, Family, Education, Finances, Fun, Spirituality, Friends and Self.

You will notice a circle in the middle with “0” and on the outer radius you will notice “10”. Now, on a scale from 0 to 10 (ten being the most), how much of your time is spent on each of those items? Draw a little dot somewhere between 0-10 and repeat this for each of area on your Wheel of Balance.

Once you have repeated this 8 times, once for each area, you need to play “connect the dots” and you will clearly see where you spend too much or too little time or emotional energy. From there it will be easier to work out where to find balance.

It would be interesting too to do the same exercise in a different colour pen, but instead of writing how much time you spend on each of these areas, you need to stipulate the benefit you get from each. Afterwards compare your two wheels and you will be surprised how much time you invest in things for less of a return than you expect. Re-prioritise your time effectively and get better value out of your activities.

Why do people behave inappropriately?

2008-07-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

Many factors have been identified that, whilst they do not cause anti-social behaviour, do increase a person’s risk of it happening, these include issues where there is a lack of involvement from parents, school and the communities.

Dr. Phil McGraw has a saying “There are are no problem kids, only problem parents”, however we cannot use that as a cop out to justify our bad behaviours. As we grow up, we need to become more aware of the choices we make and take responsibility for changing in order to make life better. Many people have succeeded against all odds, making the best of a bad situation.

In this chapter we will discuss various values which you can and apply to your life. When you are faced with any decision, you simply refer back to your values and see what a person who lives the values you are striving for, would do in your situation.

Finetuning your thoughts

2008-07-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

Our personal values affect our decisions and therefore also the course of our lives. Our values can also make a big difference in the lives of those people around us and set good ground-rules and us for how people treat us.

Lack of personal values is at the core of the moral decay that is so evident in society today.

Many people believe that anti-social behaviour is a desire in a person to prefer spending time alone, much like I did when I was a teenager; it’s about being a recluse. I was called anti-social many times by my peers.

Anti-social behavior is in fact something completely different. Please bear with me as I cover this very relevant and very important issue:

Anti-social behaviour (ASB) includes a variety of behaviours covering a whole complex of selfish and unacceptable activity that can impact and disrupt family and social life.

Examples of anti-social behaviour amongst teenagers include:

Vulgar and bad use of language
Rowdy and nuisance behaviour
Yobbish behaviour and intimidating groups or taking over public spaces
Vandalism and graffiti, usually in public places
Drunkkenness and dealing and buying drugs on the street
Dumping rubbish anywhere but in bins provided for that purpose
Begging, stealing and anti-social drinking
The misuse of fireworks
Bullying, abuse and disrespect towards other people
Negative demeanor and bad attitude

Anti-social behaviour does not only make life unpleasant, but it also degenerates social development and sustainability of social standards in communities and therefore has a negative impact on more people than just those in close proximity to the person who acts in an anti-social way. Some of these behaviours could well result in a life behind bars and all of them will result in you becoming part of groups with bad influences on your future.

Gaining amidst the loss

2008-07-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

In 2001, I gave birth to twins; they were most beautiful, happy boy and girl we have ever seen. John-Ross and Debbie continue to give us so much joy up and until today with their unconditional love and little mannerisms. They just love to copy mom and dad all the time and try to be just like us. It’s true what they say – our kids mirror us.

We had to move to a little flat in a violence-ridden community and could not go anywhere without a car. We were dependent on other people for everything, including food at one point. In the first years of my babies’ lives, we were blessed with so much beautiful clothes and toys for them, yet I felt cheated. I could not go and choose things for them that I wanted to give them.

Witnessing hi-jackings, prostitution, fighting, drug-abuse and poverty on top of our own dismal situation got the better of us. Soon, depression set in. It was breaking my heart that my kids were missing out on so many things that ‘normal’ kids took for granted. I could not put them in the car and take them to the zoo. In 6 years they have never had a birthday party. They did not even have bicycles and playing outside alone is out of the question, with all the kidnappings and brutal abuse and murder of young kids we see on television and in the media every day. Things are not as they were when I was a little girl.

At least, our little family unit remained intact through all of this and finally we answered the Lord’s call and became born again.

After a lot of intense praying, He has led me to writing this book for teenagers like you, to guide you in making better choices. I am so happy that you are reading it; I missed so much as a teenager and I really feel that if I had the chance to be a teenager again, I would make different choices. My life could have been so much better if I had the knowledge I have now when I was a teenager.

This book is not written to see you through your teens, but to equip you for later in your life when you are an adult and you need time to develop these skills and become proficient in them so that you can rise all the way to the top!

Wisdom and understanding flood my mind and heart as I thank our Lord for bringing me to a place where I get to make a difference. What a gift!

Heartbreak and losing everything

2008-07-17T07:00:00.002-07:00

Home life became worse by the day and Larry’s possessiveness reached an all-time high. In the brief moments that I saw Larry, when he came home late at night, we either fought or he was tried to force himself onto me in my sleep. Sometimes he would do both within minutes.

After a few months, Wade, Neil and myself were known as the Three Musketeers. We were the best of friends and we were having great fun. Wade and I started filling the void in one another that was left by our relationships with our partners, despite a large age-difference. Both our relationships were pretty much on the rocks; leaving no communication and no physical contact, let alone love.

Many things went wrong during those months; business wise we struggled and both our relationships fizzled out. Though Wade and I were happy that we could be together, we felt that we had lost a lot of time in previous relationships and now we had lost our business and most of our earthly belongings too

Putting bread on the table

2008-07-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

Finally, in mid-January I found a job. I was to do tele-sales for a company selling nutritional supplements from their home. I worked for two guys and their shared little office, which was one huge, big mess. I have never seen such a mess in my entire life. The guys, Wade and Neil went to work in shorts and t-shirts and it just did not seem like a ‘real’ job. Wade seemed aloof, but Neil took me under his wing.

I had some tele-sales experience from my first job, but here I had to speak English, whilst my home language was Afrikaans. Every time I opened my mouth I would remember a time in Grade 10 when a girl I perceived to be my best friend and came from a Christian home, said something hurtful to me. It was one of those days that we received our test results for a Science test and I scored 73% whilst the bulk of my class failed. This girl and her friend, whom I had been friendly with for 12 years, told other kids in the class that they saw me sitting with my Science handbook on my lap, cribbing answers to the test. The book on my lap was in fact a romance novel in which I used to lose myself those days to not let the loneliness get to me. It was during this attack that this friend said to me: “You cannot even speak English! You do not know the difference between laboratory and lavatory. ” Until today I can still hear laughter and mockery and see the scorn on their faces.

This fear of making a fool of myself became a blockage and I did not succeed at my new tele-sales job for the first two months. At this point, Neil suggested to Wade that they let me go and find someone suitable. Luckily, Wade had by then taken a liking to me and felt sorry for this young girl, alone in the world and kept me working in the office, doing various office duties. Miraculously, when I ‘gave up’ and the pressure subsided, I started selling products and became quite successful. Wade decided that I too should become an agent for the products and I did. I started doing trainings in English in front of crowds of more than a hundred people and loving every second of it.

Loneliness

2008-07-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

I contacted Larry the moment I regained some sanity and he said I should come to Johannesburg. My uncle did not take the news of my departure well at all; granted I never shared the gory details with him and we did not part on good terms.

Larry worked for a fast food outlet and his shifts were at awkward hours, which meant that I was alone for most of my waking hours. For the first time in my life I was alone, emotionally, especially since he started being quite nasty and resentful towards me. It was early December and we had just moved into a new little flat of our own. He was pressurizing me to find a job straight away. That was an awful, most miserable and lonely Christmas for me, there was no celebration and we were fighting non-stop about petty issues.

Today I can see why he acted in ways which hurt me; perhaps he felt used and argue as I like, I cannot make it look much different, but it happened and I can not change it now. I knew no better back then and I had no place to go when he offered to take me in. What would anyone else do in that situation?

First love

2008-07-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

Eventually, one Sunday at church, I met Larry, a young man a few years older than me and we hit it off straight away. This relationship, though it seemed wonderful at the time, caused more heartache than I could ever imagine and more than I realized for the following four years.

Within a matter of weeks, pregnancy rumours flooded the little town and the humiliation of walking into church with everyone staring at my stomach and giggling behind cupped hands, was very painful. School became unbearable as nobody would listen to me and believe that in fact, I was a virgin, unlike most girls in the school I attended.

At last my Grade 10 year ended and my mom, who had seen my suffering and cried many a bitter tear with me, agreed that I could do my Matric via correspondence. Of course rumours continued throughout that year, along with many other personal problems.

Eventually, I completed my final exam and that same day I left town to go live with family in another town. It was hell being away from my mom, my only support system.

On the day of my arrival, I already had a job. It was exciting being a big girl, living out in the big wide world, having Larry nearby all the time. I was inconsolable on the day when the Matric results appeared in the paper and my name was not there. Upon phoning the college, I was told that I had failed. My mom wanted me to rewrite the exam the next year, but I was so hurt that I refused. All that pain, all that hard work amounted to nothing.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had very little experience, I was exploited at my job, earning minimum wages.

Life was very topsy-turvy for the following two years; I moved around a lot and did numerous stints, including working on a farm and in a supermarket.

Eventually we went to live with my elderly uncle, who was like a father to me and loved me more than he loved his own kids. I was yet again in a difficult position when my uncle and Larry did not take to one another. Larry came from a military family where everyone wanted their own way and there was no consideration for anyone else. His family was however very close and often encroached on others without warning, expecting a red-carpet welcome. When Larry did not get his own way or when he missed his family, he would get sick. To me it seemed he was sick all the time with various minor ailments and I guess my uncle had a point when he asked what kind of kids I would have with Larry one day if I did not put a stop to the relationship immediately.

Finally, Larry left to go live in Johannesburg with his family and I got involved with the ‘cool’ crowd. I was heart-broken due to the recent break-up and wanted to go sleep early on that fateful night when my drink was spiked and one of the youngsters tried to rape me.

Puberty

2008-07-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

For now, let me tell you a shortened version of my life-story.

I was born and raised in a small town in the Freestate, South Africa as the youngest of 4 siblings and eight years younger than my youngest brother. I was quite privileged in that everyone loved this little curly blonde girl. I had all kinds of cute nicknames, including Goldie Locks and Red Riding Hood (because of a little coat I used to love). Everyone cherished and protected me and of course, I thrived.

As I grew up, I loved being with my mom every second of every day, much like my own little girl does today. Instead of spending time with my friends, I would rather play with my Barbies or sit with my mom at work drawing all day long. Those were very special times that I miss dearly today and I miss seeing my mom more frequently.

My body started developing at a young age and it was a very sore subject for me back then. My breasts were huge compared to those of my friends and I was teased and humiliated no end.

My school grades were quite acceptable and because I did not follow a certain stereotypical study-routine, but rather relied on my common sense, that too was a topic for more harassment. At high school fellow classmates assumed I cheated in tests, as they assumed I needed to study harder than them and if they saw me in town the day before, they assumed that in fact I did not study at all. Children can be so cruel. These circumstances caused me to grow up much quicker than any child should.

My independent attitude and need for solace continued and I was very much a loner, who avoided any school functions and stayed away from places where I might encounter kids from school. I would much rather spend my time playing piano, draw or ride my bike.

I did not attend parties and other places where one would meet others. Instead, I often had a crush on someone who never noticed me despite my efforts. This of course led to it’s own kind of rejection.

Where it all started

2008-07-17T06:45:00.000-07:00

Only a few short years ago, I was a teenager just like you.

Life flies by at such a rapid rate that we never get to stop to think and to assess where we are going or what we should be doing. This often leads to bad choices and mistakes and when we are older and wiser – we start to regret the way things have become.

Emotions govern the decisions we make and as a teenager it is hard to rationalize how the decisions could affect us in the future.

So where do we turn for help? Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I recall being told by a semi-cool guidance class teacher that we should not ask our friends for help, because they really know as little as we do about life and their advice could just exacerbate the problem…

I want to share with you some of the decisions I faced as a teenager, how I dealt with them and why I’m glad I made the choices I did.

Being at my age, 27, I have not forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager, but I also know now how to avoid terrible mistakes. My friends are mainly older than me, because I grew up with much older siblings and I have become used to being around older people (they are not that bad once you get to know them!). One learns a lot that from watching the lives of older people unfold and seeing the consequences of their decisions. Older people are placed in our lives for that very reason.

I have done a couple of courses where I got a certificate or so, but the best education I got, was from Life’s University of Hard Knocks. That is where you gain the most knowledge and practical experience.

Sometimes in life when things go wrong, people say, “It happened for a reason. ” Does that not infuriate you? It used to make me angry too when I heard that, until I ‘got’ that it is in fact very true. Life has thrown me around quite a bit, as you will discover throughout this book. I do believe however that everything happened to me for a reason, some of it I understand now and some of the other things I will understand later, maybe if I am meant to..

Towards the end of this book I will show you how you can find meaning in your own life-events and how to grow from that and find comfort in a productive, responsible and positive way.

Nice guys

2008-07-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

Here's to all the nice guys out there:

http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

First date first aid

2008-07-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

What to do and what NOT to do on a first date

DO:

Be yourself

Pay him compliments

Show that you are interested in what he says

Keep it light and talk about casual topics

Dress casually, unless it’s a fancy do

DON’T:

Talk about your ex (es)

Complain about your work, family or anything else

Flirt with the waiter to make your date jealous

Fiddle with your bra strap that keeps popping out

Cringe about the calories in your “extra lean chicken salad”

10 Steps to a more positive life

2008-07-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

What can you do to live a happier life and make people experience you as a person they want to be around?

1.Find something you believe in – be it your inner child, your higher me or God, you need someone you can rely on to be there for you in times of need or something to be happy about every day. Make time twice a day or how ever often you need to get in touch with your beliefs to soothe your soul.
2.Smile – a smile is contagious. As is a negative demeanour. If everything around you is crumbling, then look inside yourself. Is your attitude causing you to experience things negatively? For things to change you have to change.
3.Be of value – to your family, your friends and people that you don’t know. Do something for someone – it may not take away from you, but it will give them a lot of joy. Instead of giving money to a charity and feeling great that you have done your bit – rather give time. Show someone you care about them in deed.
4.Don’t hold grudges – learn to forgive. An unforgiving soul is a dead soul. When someone makes you angry they own your emotions and have the power to make you unhappy. Nobody should have that power. Things done to you may seem huge in your eyes – the person responsible may not even know that you were offended and therefore they don’t dwell on it like you do.
5.Rid yourself of toxic relationships – any relationships that cause you hurt, anger, resentment, guilt or anxiety are toxic and you should remove them out of your life. Spend time with people that mean a lot to you. Open up your heart and learn to live a little!
6. Exercise – a healthy body is home to a healthy heart. Get your muscles moving, your heart pumping and blood flowing. You’ll feel more relaxed, energised and your body will look toned and healthy.
7. Work on your relationship with your significant other – sure you’re a very special person, but so are they. Show them how much they mean to you and remember that magic relationships do exist and you too can have one. See www.createrelationshipmagic.blogspot.com
8. Be kind – stop criticising people. Remember that you see in others what you can’t accept about yourself. Rather find the good in everyone. If you don’t share the same core beliefs, just don’t discuss them. Focus on something you do have in common. Don’t steamroller people to make things go your way. They are people in their own right and are entitled to their opinions.
9. Pamper yourself – as often as you need it. Have some me time when you can do something that makes you happy without any interruptions. At the same time, think about things that make you happy and affirm your dreams and goals. Focus on things that you love about your life and things you want to achieve.

10. Stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future that is in your hands. Don’t punish the people currently in your life for the mistakes of other people. No two people are the same and nobody should carry the blame for another’s mistakes.

A positive attitude will stand you in good stead throughout your life. Good experiences will become better and with time, negative experiences will diminish and eventually disappear.

My drink was spiked

2008-07-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

A recent article in a local magazine tells the story of a 17 year old girl who died at a party at friends' house. Autopsy reports are awaited to confirm suspicions whether her drink was 'spiked' as blood tests show that she had very little alcohol in her blood stream when she first started feeling dizzy and her heart started beating rapidly. She became unconscious and died of heart failure shortly after.

I want to speak out about what happened to me 8 years ago as I feel we should create an awareness for young girls who think that this only happens to 'people we don't know'.

I was 18 years old, living with my uncle and his third wife and her son and a lady friend of theirs who was visiting. The young lady, Michelle* was a drug addict. A variety of circumstances at the time rendered me quite emotional and vulnerable at the time and I just wanted to go to bed when Michelle and Jacques* asked me to take a drive with them. I agreed, insisting that when I get back home I want to go to bed. Alas, after picking up another friend of theirs, Jaco* and a bottle of alcohol, they invited me to stay for 'just one drink and chat' outside. Reluctantly, or shall I say stupidly, I agreed. I've never been good at saying 'no' and their arguments were convincing. I forgot about all the times that they said I should try some drugs with them as it will make me feel good.

Shortly after sitting down they said that they forgot to get glasses and Michelle asked me to go with her to the kitchen to get glasses. Halfway up the stairs the guys called us back and said they actually had glasses. I was too tired, miserable and naive to question this sudden change.

As the glasses clinked and I took my first sip, I immediately went into a 'trance'. Up until today I have certain flashbacks - the same ones, never any different ones in order to put together the whole puzzle. It is very frustrating and humiliating, as I don't really know what happened. What I can say with certainty is thank God, I was not raped.

See, date rape drugs are used to assist sexual assault as it renders the victim helpless and often unconscious. The added benefit to the perpetrator is that the victim never remembers what happened during this time.

The next day I did not know what happened at all. Over time and with the realisation of what happened and the flashbacks, I've managed to put together the picture and all I feel is violation and relief. They violated me and I was so stupid that I didn't realise it. I put my trust into people with evil intentions and many girls do it daily... I feel relief that they were unable to violate me physically due to the fact that they were intoxicated at the time. I sound like a hypocrite based on my state at the time, but I've never been drunk in my life.

I've learnt from this experience not to trust people so easily and want to share a few tips with young girls:

* Get to know people in your own space where you have people around with whom you feel safe.
* Don't drink with strangers and if you are having a non-alcoholic beverage in public, be sure to have it in your hand at all times.
* Don't accept drinks from strangers.
* Say NO when you are uncomfortable in the least.
* Always go out with at least one good friend that you know you can trust.

These tips are not guaranteed to keep you safe, but they will sure let any prospective perpetrator know that you are well aware and that may scare them off.

If you start feeling strange and think your drink may have been spiked, immediately call someone to take care of you. Don't let a stranger look after you as they may easily take advantage of you.

There are various drugs which are used in date rape and some of them are addictive, such as GHB (AKA: Liquid Ecstasy, Liquid X, Grievous Bodily Harm) which they used on me, ketamine, rohypnol and alcohol.

GHB is a home-made drug containing ingredients such as paint-stripper and more. It has a slightly salty taste. It is freely available to kids on the streets and in the wrong dosage could kill you, as happened to the girl in the article I mentioned.

Things happen for a reason and that answers my question: Why, oh why was I overweight at that age? If I was of normal weight I would've been incapacitated earlier on, before them and they could've had their way with me. Or perhaps the wrong dosage could have killed me.