Christianity - what is it really?

That's what I asked myself.

I was a very angry person, having been hurt and disappointed so many times in my life. I trusted nobody. The thing is that we mirror what we see in others, especially when we are hurting. Therefore, when we do not trust someone, we start acting in an untrustworthy manner, so I became untrustworthy. Others’ happiness went right of my list of priorities and I started finding ways in which I could hurt them before they hurt me.

For years I never attended any church services and hardly acknowledged God, except in a blasphemous context. Sin became second nature to me, so much so that I stopped feeling guilty. How do you uphold the 10 commandments?

Wade has ‘tried’ the Christian walk a number of times, been to various churches, but it seemed he never really found the answers he was looking for. He has an addictive personality, which means that he throws all of himself into each new project he starts and this time I sensed that this project was going to be a life-long one. It scared me as at the time I was looking for gratification and meaning in very different places and I was not prepared to give that up nor did I know how to. I was also not prepared to lose Wade and I am ashamed to say that I was trying to distract him with what I was busy with. I remember once praying to God that Wade would rather stop trying to draw closer to God – that is sick!

Wade did not push me to join him in devotion, but I felt the need to explain to him that it would be pointless to give my life to God unless I can give it all to Him and I was just not prepared to do it. Wade respected my decision, but kept praying for me.

At that point in time my opinion was that there are so many “Christians” out there living as they wish and singing Hallelujahs in church as though they are the holy angels. I did not want to be a hypocrite.