First love

Eventually, one Sunday at church, I met Larry, a young man a few years older than me and we hit it off straight away. This relationship, though it seemed wonderful at the time, caused more heartache than I could ever imagine and more than I realized for the following four years.

Within a matter of weeks, pregnancy rumours flooded the little town and the humiliation of walking into church with everyone staring at my stomach and giggling behind cupped hands, was very painful. School became unbearable as nobody would listen to me and believe that in fact, I was a virgin, unlike most girls in the school I attended.

At last my Grade 10 year ended and my mom, who had seen my suffering and cried many a bitter tear with me, agreed that I could do my Matric via correspondence. Of course rumours continued throughout that year, along with many other personal problems.

Eventually, I completed my final exam and that same day I left town to go live with family in another town. It was hell being away from my mom, my only support system.

On the day of my arrival, I already had a job. It was exciting being a big girl, living out in the big wide world, having Larry nearby all the time. I was inconsolable on the day when the Matric results appeared in the paper and my name was not there. Upon phoning the college, I was told that I had failed. My mom wanted me to rewrite the exam the next year, but I was so hurt that I refused. All that pain, all that hard work amounted to nothing.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had very little experience, I was exploited at my job, earning minimum wages.

Life was very topsy-turvy for the following two years; I moved around a lot and did numerous stints, including working on a farm and in a supermarket.

Eventually we went to live with my elderly uncle, who was like a father to me and loved me more than he loved his own kids. I was yet again in a difficult position when my uncle and Larry did not take to one another. Larry came from a military family where everyone wanted their own way and there was no consideration for anyone else. His family was however very close and often encroached on others without warning, expecting a red-carpet welcome. When Larry did not get his own way or when he missed his family, he would get sick. To me it seemed he was sick all the time with various minor ailments and I guess my uncle had a point when he asked what kind of kids I would have with Larry one day if I did not put a stop to the relationship immediately.

Finally, Larry left to go live in Johannesburg with his family and I got involved with the ‘cool’ crowd. I was heart-broken due to the recent break-up and wanted to go sleep early on that fateful night when my drink was spiked and one of the youngsters tried to rape me.

Puberty

For now, let me tell you a shortened version of my life-story.

I was born and raised in a small town in the Freestate, South Africa as the youngest of 4 siblings and eight years younger than my youngest brother. I was quite privileged in that everyone loved this little curly blonde girl. I had all kinds of cute nicknames, including Goldie Locks and Red Riding Hood (because of a little coat I used to love). Everyone cherished and protected me and of course, I thrived.

As I grew up, I loved being with my mom every second of every day, much like my own little girl does today. Instead of spending time with my friends, I would rather play with my Barbies or sit with my mom at work drawing all day long. Those were very special times that I miss dearly today and I miss seeing my mom more frequently.

My body started developing at a young age and it was a very sore subject for me back then. My breasts were huge compared to those of my friends and I was teased and humiliated no end.

My school grades were quite acceptable and because I did not follow a certain stereotypical study-routine, but rather relied on my common sense, that too was a topic for more harassment. At high school fellow classmates assumed I cheated in tests, as they assumed I needed to study harder than them and if they saw me in town the day before, they assumed that in fact I did not study at all. Children can be so cruel. These circumstances caused me to grow up much quicker than any child should.

My independent attitude and need for solace continued and I was very much a loner, who avoided any school functions and stayed away from places where I might encounter kids from school. I would much rather spend my time playing piano, draw or ride my bike.

I did not attend parties and other places where one would meet others. Instead, I often had a crush on someone who never noticed me despite my efforts. This of course led to it’s own kind of rejection.