Everlasting peace is what I wanted

Wade has this habit of getting up in the early hours of the morning when it is still dark and then he goes to work and I really do not like to wake up all alone. I on the other hand like to lie in on a Saturday morning and on this particular Saturday morning I was awake when he got up and went into the kids’ room. I knew that they were watching television, so I got up to go see what he was doing. There he was sitting on my daughter’s tiny little bed, reading the Bible. I felt sorry for him and told him to come read in our room.

Wade is very good at taking advantage of every opportunity and asked me if he could read aloud to me – how could I say no? I listened with curious interest and afterwards Wade asked if he could read anything else to me. The only thing I could quote was Psalm 23 and not to be outdone, I asked him to read that.

Psalm 23 – A Psalm of David

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters;

He restores my soul

He leads me in paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake

Even though I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of death

I fear no evil;

For thou art with me

Thy rod and thy staff,

They comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me

In the presence of my enemies;

Thou annointest my head with oil,

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This scripture really fills me with such peace. Just imagine those green pastures and the still waters – so beautiful in comparison to my life, so restful. So far away from the hustle-bustle of life and all the stress of trying to keep head above water.

Christianity - what is it really?

That's what I asked myself.

I was a very angry person, having been hurt and disappointed so many times in my life. I trusted nobody. The thing is that we mirror what we see in others, especially when we are hurting. Therefore, when we do not trust someone, we start acting in an untrustworthy manner, so I became untrustworthy. Others’ happiness went right of my list of priorities and I started finding ways in which I could hurt them before they hurt me.

For years I never attended any church services and hardly acknowledged God, except in a blasphemous context. Sin became second nature to me, so much so that I stopped feeling guilty. How do you uphold the 10 commandments?

Wade has ‘tried’ the Christian walk a number of times, been to various churches, but it seemed he never really found the answers he was looking for. He has an addictive personality, which means that he throws all of himself into each new project he starts and this time I sensed that this project was going to be a life-long one. It scared me as at the time I was looking for gratification and meaning in very different places and I was not prepared to give that up nor did I know how to. I was also not prepared to lose Wade and I am ashamed to say that I was trying to distract him with what I was busy with. I remember once praying to God that Wade would rather stop trying to draw closer to God – that is sick!

Wade did not push me to join him in devotion, but I felt the need to explain to him that it would be pointless to give my life to God unless I can give it all to Him and I was just not prepared to do it. Wade respected my decision, but kept praying for me.

At that point in time my opinion was that there are so many “Christians” out there living as they wish and singing Hallelujahs in church as though they are the holy angels. I did not want to be a hypocrite.

Spirituality 1

Spirituality was briefly mentioned in a previous chapter and now I want to elaborate on it. Some people have a different definition for spirituality than they have for religion. For me, religion feeds the spirit, which makes it spirituality for me. That feels right to my heart and I do not intend to offend any Christians who associate spirituality with crystals and guides and the like.

The word religion sounds very military to me, but spirituality makes it sound happy and mysterious. Perhaps explaining to you what spirituality is to me will be appropriate now.

I believe in God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit – the Holy Unit and Trinity. I believe that although we have many people in our lives, we need something more to rely on, something to believe in when life and people let us down, a place where we can find answers.

There is no better place to find answers than with God. He has placed everything and everyone on earth and He has a plan for your life. Until recently I also thought these were all clichés, but I have found so much meaning that I could never turn back. I have seen miracles since I answered His call and I am humbled when I realize how He has looked after me before I even answered His call.

Before, I was like a blind person, searching in the dark, stumbling around aimlessly, crying and hearing noises, but not knowing what they were as I have not seen it before. Meanwhile, it was God calling out to me and crying for me. Someone once said that when we cry, He cries too.