The art of being able to forgive

When someone said to me that I should forgive everyone who has ever hurt me - I told them that they were nuts!

I was told that you do not forgive for others, you forgive for yourself. It took me a long time to get a better understanding of this. I always thought that forgiveness meant that what they did was okay and that I was wrong to feel the way I did about what they did.

I then heard someone else say that was not the case – you need to be clear that you still believe that what they did was wrong, but you will no longer be consumed by those actions.

Forgiveness is when you can think about the trauma without being hurt, angry or upset or feel hatred towards the person who induced the hurt.

I also know that you can only forgive when you are ready. . . It took me 10 years. I do not want it to take you 10 years because it caused me a lot of anguish. During times when I should have been happy - I could not be. I over-reacted to small things. I was not able to live life to the full.

You need to do a spring-cleaning of your heart, clear the blockages and realise that you are really a great person with lots to give, else you would not have been targeted by an insecure, envious bully.

Forgive as soon as you can - it is really the most amazing feeling to feel secure, fulfilled, loving and kind with no anger in your heart.

Disclaimer: I know it is easier said than done and even when you master the art, you may still relapse at times.

Pillars of Character 4. Caring

We do not always remember that our actions and decisions affect others as we are all so caught up in our own lives and often times people are so absorbed that we do not realize how our actions affect them.

Has someone ever made a senseless decision and the repercussions thereof hurt you, without them realizing?

Empathy and sympathy is showing care in others’ welfare as if our own happiness depended on it. This of course, like all the other elements of your character, should not be false or insincere.
We should also have the good judgment to know when others would prefer we do not involve ourselves in their situation. In other words, we should develop sensitivity to others’ personal boundaries.

Caring is about showing interest in others’ lives too and not just our own. Being kind and loving and considering others make a huge difference in the lives of others and it brings a new element of joy into our own lives.

When a friend is sick, do something kind for her or bring her notes from class without her having to ask. When someone is struggling, ask if you could help him or her. Do chores without your parents having to ask or help your little brother with his homework.

Caring is also about being forgiving readily. You cannot be caring and hold grudges simultaneously – it is just not possible!

A good way to start being more caring is to think of a kind thing you can do for someone every morning and do it!

Pillars of Character 4. Fairness

Fairness is about treating people equally and having the same set of rules applying to everyone and being sure that everyone knows the rules. Everyone would receive the same punishment for breaking these rules.

Fairness is about being impartial, in other words, decisions are made without favouring one person or being prejudiced against them. This is especially handy in friendships with other girls where insecurity and jealousy could cause a lot of gossip and strife and relationships with siblings.

Facts are very important to a fair person and therefore you would give someone a fair chance to present their side of the story. As a fair person, you also need to listen carefully and try to understand how others feel and what they are trying to say. Facts are weighed up carefully and mistakes are always corrected.

It would be unfair if you:

• Exploit others’ mistakes or lack of knowledge
• Take more than your fair share
• Do not allow emotions to influence decisions for others based on merit
• Allow personal feelings to get in the way of what would be a good decision otherwise

If you treat others fairly, they will do the same to you.

10 Steps to a more positive life

What can you do to live a happier life and make people experience you as a person they want to be around?

1.Find something you believe in – be it your inner child, your higher me or God, you need someone you can rely on to be there for you in times of need or something to be happy about every day. Make time twice a day or how ever often you need to get in touch with your beliefs to soothe your soul.
2.Smile – a smile is contagious. As is a negative demeanour. If everything around you is crumbling, then look inside yourself. Is your attitude causing you to experience things negatively? For things to change you have to change.
3.Be of value – to your family, your friends and people that you don’t know. Do something for someone – it may not take away from you, but it will give them a lot of joy. Instead of giving money to a charity and feeling great that you have done your bit – rather give time. Show someone you care about them in deed.
4.Don’t hold grudges – learn to forgive. An unforgiving soul is a dead soul. When someone makes you angry they own your emotions and have the power to make you unhappy. Nobody should have that power. Things done to you may seem huge in your eyes – the person responsible may not even know that you were offended and therefore they don’t dwell on it like you do.
5.Rid yourself of toxic relationships – any relationships that cause you hurt, anger, resentment, guilt or anxiety are toxic and you should remove them out of your life. Spend time with people that mean a lot to you. Open up your heart and learn to live a little!
6. Exercise – a healthy body is home to a healthy heart. Get your muscles moving, your heart pumping and blood flowing. You’ll feel more relaxed, energised and your body will look toned and healthy.
7. Work on your relationship with your significant other – sure you’re a very special person, but so are they. Show them how much they mean to you and remember that magic relationships do exist and you too can have one. See www.createrelationshipmagic.blogspot.com
8. Be kind – stop criticising people. Remember that you see in others what you can’t accept about yourself. Rather find the good in everyone. If you don’t share the same core beliefs, just don’t discuss them. Focus on something you do have in common. Don’t steamroller people to make things go your way. They are people in their own right and are entitled to their opinions.
9. Pamper yourself – as often as you need it. Have some me time when you can do something that makes you happy without any interruptions. At the same time, think about things that make you happy and affirm your dreams and goals. Focus on things that you love about your life and things you want to achieve.

10. Stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future that is in your hands. Don’t punish the people currently in your life for the mistakes of other people. No two people are the same and nobody should carry the blame for another’s mistakes.

A positive attitude will stand you in good stead throughout your life. Good experiences will become better and with time, negative experiences will diminish and eventually disappear.