The art of being able to forgive

When someone said to me that I should forgive everyone who has ever hurt me - I told them that they were nuts!

I was told that you do not forgive for others, you forgive for yourself. It took me a long time to get a better understanding of this. I always thought that forgiveness meant that what they did was okay and that I was wrong to feel the way I did about what they did.

I then heard someone else say that was not the case – you need to be clear that you still believe that what they did was wrong, but you will no longer be consumed by those actions.

Forgiveness is when you can think about the trauma without being hurt, angry or upset or feel hatred towards the person who induced the hurt.

I also know that you can only forgive when you are ready. . . It took me 10 years. I do not want it to take you 10 years because it caused me a lot of anguish. During times when I should have been happy - I could not be. I over-reacted to small things. I was not able to live life to the full.

You need to do a spring-cleaning of your heart, clear the blockages and realise that you are really a great person with lots to give, else you would not have been targeted by an insecure, envious bully.

Forgive as soon as you can - it is really the most amazing feeling to feel secure, fulfilled, loving and kind with no anger in your heart.

Disclaimer: I know it is easier said than done and even when you master the art, you may still relapse at times.

Divorce and single parenting

Divorce is never easy; not for kids affected by it and most definitely not for parents. In early days, before the separation takes place and one parent moves out, there may be conflict at home, making it difficult to have any fun at all – you may even feel like you don’t want to be there at all. Your parents will more than likely be pre-occupied most of the time and seem not to be very attentive to your needs, in fact they may even forget important events.

Insecurity could make you more needy than usual and sometimes your parents may shout at you because of it. Try to understand that it is not you.

Of course, if your parents have one argument, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are going to get divorced. Even people that love each other more than life itself will argue from time to time.

You need to try understanding that a divorce is never the children’s’ fault, so do not blame yourself. People get married and sometimes it just does not work out. People fall out of love and there could be irreconcilable differences that cause them to be unable to stay married.

During times like these you may feel angry and resentful towards your parents for being so ‘weak’ and turning your life up-side down by not just working out their problems.

Support both parents equally, no matter whom you are staying with after their separation. Do not side with one parent, even if they become irrational and say you are being unfair. Show them that you are a responsible young adult and that you can handle this in a mature way. The same applies to grandparents who may try to side with their child against one of your parents. Don’t allow one parent to badmouth the other to you.

You may be angry about your parents’ divorce, in which case I suggest you find someone you can confide in, such as a teacher or a friend who has been through a divorce. Also, try keeping your chin up – parents today are getting much better at co-parenting children.

Conflict in the home

At some point in time all families experience conflict, whether it be problems in the parent/child relationship or sibling rivalry. See this for what it is, an important course to teach you how to cope as an adult with conflict in the outside world.

We are all unique with different personalities and sometimes we clash when we don’t understand why people do the things they do.

At some point, this too shall pass. Meanwhile, have self-control and do not aggravate the situation, no matter how tempted you are. Just keep it cool and behave as you always do, try not to let the conflict get to you and don’t aggravate the situation.

Often times we get so swept up in the emotional aspects of an argument that we forget to even find out what the real underlying factors are. Instead of sulking or being spiteful, rather be co-operative – your parents will definitely give you more rope if you co-operate.

Should conflict affect your schoolwork, speak to a counselor or teacher.

First love

Eventually, one Sunday at church, I met Larry, a young man a few years older than me and we hit it off straight away. This relationship, though it seemed wonderful at the time, caused more heartache than I could ever imagine and more than I realized for the following four years.

Within a matter of weeks, pregnancy rumours flooded the little town and the humiliation of walking into church with everyone staring at my stomach and giggling behind cupped hands, was very painful. School became unbearable as nobody would listen to me and believe that in fact, I was a virgin, unlike most girls in the school I attended.

At last my Grade 10 year ended and my mom, who had seen my suffering and cried many a bitter tear with me, agreed that I could do my Matric via correspondence. Of course rumours continued throughout that year, along with many other personal problems.

Eventually, I completed my final exam and that same day I left town to go live with family in another town. It was hell being away from my mom, my only support system.

On the day of my arrival, I already had a job. It was exciting being a big girl, living out in the big wide world, having Larry nearby all the time. I was inconsolable on the day when the Matric results appeared in the paper and my name was not there. Upon phoning the college, I was told that I had failed. My mom wanted me to rewrite the exam the next year, but I was so hurt that I refused. All that pain, all that hard work amounted to nothing.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had very little experience, I was exploited at my job, earning minimum wages.

Life was very topsy-turvy for the following two years; I moved around a lot and did numerous stints, including working on a farm and in a supermarket.

Eventually we went to live with my elderly uncle, who was like a father to me and loved me more than he loved his own kids. I was yet again in a difficult position when my uncle and Larry did not take to one another. Larry came from a military family where everyone wanted their own way and there was no consideration for anyone else. His family was however very close and often encroached on others without warning, expecting a red-carpet welcome. When Larry did not get his own way or when he missed his family, he would get sick. To me it seemed he was sick all the time with various minor ailments and I guess my uncle had a point when he asked what kind of kids I would have with Larry one day if I did not put a stop to the relationship immediately.

Finally, Larry left to go live in Johannesburg with his family and I got involved with the ‘cool’ crowd. I was heart-broken due to the recent break-up and wanted to go sleep early on that fateful night when my drink was spiked and one of the youngsters tried to rape me.