Coping with heartbreak

As teenagers, our hearts break so many times. I shed so many tears for men who, until today have no idea that I exist! Every time this happened, I thought my life has ended, but I lived through it more than a cat with 9 lives.

People often say “One day you will laugh about it” and that really is true. Today I am so glad that I did not run to those people’s homes and declare my everlasting love to them – can you imagine the embarrassment? Besides, today I have the greatest man ever to love me – he knows me better than I do and we share a really great bond.

As teenage girls, we are usually the ones who are dumped and not the dumpers and this is really sad, but hey – you have to kiss many toads before you find your dream prince.

Both your dignity and his memory of you depend on how you handle this breakup. Girl, you cannot fall apart when he breaks up with you – least of all in front of him! Here are a few options:

When he breaks up with you:

• Face to face – Try not to act surprised and say something like: “I agree with you – it is better that way. ” Do not stay to discuss it, just wish him good luck and walk away. I once had a boyfriend for a whole week when he broke up with me and I was going to take a giant leap, inviting him for dinner when he broke up with me. I was shocked and pretended to be relieved “I am so glad you broke up with me – I felt too sorry for you to do it to you, but it is really not working for me. ” In truth, I found him childish, but the attention I got from him was great during a difficult time in my life.

• Via email / sms – Respond much later and refrain from sending a long reply. A simple “Sure – no problem” would do. He would be horrified that you are not asking why he is breaking up with you – it shows certain maturity in you. He will know that he made a mistake and will experience a sense of loss. Demanding an explanation, on the contrary is the worst thing you can do – it shows a neediness and men cannot stand a needy woman.

• By telephone – This one is great fun. When he says, “I want to break up” you could ask him to repeat himself and then pretend that the signal is breaking up, saying “sorry, you are breaking up?” and eventually hanging up on him. Avoid his calls until you see him. Least he could do is have common decency and tell you to your face. When he does, you could thank him for the respect he showed by doing this to your face and wish him good luck in future.

It is key to leave with all your dignity in tact. Be calm and do not make a scene (in front of him!) – in the privacy of your own bedroom behind a closed door, you can do whatever you like!

Sooner or later you are bound to start dating a great new guy, who is probably a great catch, but he just irritates you when he does not weigh up to Mr Ex, whom you are still missing terribly. Having him around is however a sign that you are not as bad as you thought and Mr. Ex should know that. What better way than to send him an email, just to let him know how great you are doing? It sounds sweet enough, but in truth you really just want him to know what he is missing out on.

Do not do it! It will show him that you are still pining for him and instead of running to you to declare that he has made a huge mistake – he will run even further away and warn everyone that you are a typical, predictable woman his mother has warned him against.

What is love?

Women are born with that homing instinct and a dream of being loved and cherished by that special man of our dreams. When we meet a great guy and we hit it off with them right away, we are over the moon and filled with the joys of love.

We go on a few dates and everything is just amazing. He is so attractive, so much fun to hang around with and funny…and he says the sweetest things!

A few weeks later, you start wondering where things are headed. Why does he still take calls when other girls call him? The more you think about it, the more worried you become.

Then you hint towards some form of seriousness, going steady so that you do not have to worry about his intentions anymore. (At this point some girls will decide to be intimate with a guy, just to “seal the deal”. We will discuss the wisdom of this decision later on)

Unfortunately, he does not respond well to your hints. In fact, he becomes distant and may start acting aloof. This just turns your impatience into anxiety and you start trying harder to be a better girlfriend, doing everything you believe to be the right thing. You start looking after him, doing little favours, calling him often and the more you do the more distant he seems.

Eventually you crack and start yelling and screaming, demanding that he starts giving you attention right now. Unfortunately, any attraction he felt for you initially is gone.

For a guy to fall in love with a girl is a long process. Men do not get crazy crushes like we do, they get a deep and intense reaction and they cannot explain why. It is a sense of just wanting to be with her because she is fun to hang out with. Men like fun girls that laugh easily and are uncomplicated. Girls that can be themselves around guys and can laugh at themselves.

Men also take much slower to fall in love. They prefer a natural progression from casual dating into something more serious, unlike women who plan each stage carefully. A guy will start hanging out with a girl until one day when he will realize at the most impossible time, that he is in fact madly in love with her. When men experience that deep attraction, they become like little excited boys in a toyshop.

For men dating is a casual process of getting to know a woman, whereas with girls, it is often a means to an end. Women are born with that desire to be a wife and mother and we want to achieve that as soon as possible.

Reasons why teenagers date:

• Recreation - fun and enjoyment
• Learning - becoming more skilled at dating interactions
• Status - impressing others according to how often one dates and whom one dates
• Companionship - sharing pleasurable activities with another person
• Intimacy - establishing a close emotional relationship with another person
• Courtship - seeking someone to have as a steady partner

When you are ready to start dating, you need to do some work first which will ensure success. With success I mean that it will be a pleasant learning experience. You will not be married in a month’s time and you will never marry the first guy you date, but it will be a good foundation to build on to ensure that one day you will meet a great guy to share love with. After all, building love takes time and a relationship takes out of you, often more than what you get in return.

At such a young age, it is important not to over-invest in a relationship. Over-investing happens when:

• You give more than you receive in a relationship
• The other person’s expectations are too high
• The relationship is taken too seriously in light of your age
• You neglect family, friends, hobbies and duties in favour of another person
• You stop making time for yourself and things that were important to you before

If one or more of the points above applies, you need to take steps to either take charge of your own life or you should put an end to this relationship. Nobody is worth so much love and these emotional ties are not appropriate or healthy for someone your age.

Men react very differently to us women and they most certainly do not analyse our every move like we do theirs. We get excessively excited too soon and often ruin potential relationships by over-reacting.

Have a crush?

As a young adult I had so many crushes on so many guys. It is only natural to develop crushes and sometimes even infatuations with many boys or young men, sometimes simultaneously. It is only wrong when you become promiscuous, but if nobody knows, nobody (including yourself) can get hurt.

That feeling of butterflies in your stomach and knees that turn into jelly is only natural. Chemical changes in our bodies are very new and hormones are rushing around at such rapid pace that it is very hard to not be caught up in the excitement.

Many girls develop an infatuation with a teacher or another older man, who is often married. The definition of infatuation is a) foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration or b) temporary love of an adolescent. This is different to a crush on a boy in that there is an irrational element to it.

Girls that become infatuated with a teacher (or other older man) could easily start believing that he feels the same about her and develop irrational expectations such as believing that the man may leave his wife for her. At this point the girl could easily start acting in ways that are harmful to herself and her teacher. This is usually not intentional, more a result of uncontrollable emotions.

It is vital when you start feeling stirrings of emotion towards an older and particularly married man, to bear in mind the fact that 99% percent of men in a recent survey said that they would not leave their wife for someone else. Of course a man feels flattered when a girl is so obviously in love with him, but he is not likely no reciprocate in the way that you dream that he would.

Heartbreak and losing everything

Home life became worse by the day and Larry’s possessiveness reached an all-time high. In the brief moments that I saw Larry, when he came home late at night, we either fought or he was tried to force himself onto me in my sleep. Sometimes he would do both within minutes.

After a few months, Wade, Neil and myself were known as the Three Musketeers. We were the best of friends and we were having great fun. Wade and I started filling the void in one another that was left by our relationships with our partners, despite a large age-difference. Both our relationships were pretty much on the rocks; leaving no communication and no physical contact, let alone love.

Many things went wrong during those months; business wise we struggled and both our relationships fizzled out. Though Wade and I were happy that we could be together, we felt that we had lost a lot of time in previous relationships and now we had lost our business and most of our earthly belongings too

First love

Eventually, one Sunday at church, I met Larry, a young man a few years older than me and we hit it off straight away. This relationship, though it seemed wonderful at the time, caused more heartache than I could ever imagine and more than I realized for the following four years.

Within a matter of weeks, pregnancy rumours flooded the little town and the humiliation of walking into church with everyone staring at my stomach and giggling behind cupped hands, was very painful. School became unbearable as nobody would listen to me and believe that in fact, I was a virgin, unlike most girls in the school I attended.

At last my Grade 10 year ended and my mom, who had seen my suffering and cried many a bitter tear with me, agreed that I could do my Matric via correspondence. Of course rumours continued throughout that year, along with many other personal problems.

Eventually, I completed my final exam and that same day I left town to go live with family in another town. It was hell being away from my mom, my only support system.

On the day of my arrival, I already had a job. It was exciting being a big girl, living out in the big wide world, having Larry nearby all the time. I was inconsolable on the day when the Matric results appeared in the paper and my name was not there. Upon phoning the college, I was told that I had failed. My mom wanted me to rewrite the exam the next year, but I was so hurt that I refused. All that pain, all that hard work amounted to nothing.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had very little experience, I was exploited at my job, earning minimum wages.

Life was very topsy-turvy for the following two years; I moved around a lot and did numerous stints, including working on a farm and in a supermarket.

Eventually we went to live with my elderly uncle, who was like a father to me and loved me more than he loved his own kids. I was yet again in a difficult position when my uncle and Larry did not take to one another. Larry came from a military family where everyone wanted their own way and there was no consideration for anyone else. His family was however very close and often encroached on others without warning, expecting a red-carpet welcome. When Larry did not get his own way or when he missed his family, he would get sick. To me it seemed he was sick all the time with various minor ailments and I guess my uncle had a point when he asked what kind of kids I would have with Larry one day if I did not put a stop to the relationship immediately.

Finally, Larry left to go live in Johannesburg with his family and I got involved with the ‘cool’ crowd. I was heart-broken due to the recent break-up and wanted to go sleep early on that fateful night when my drink was spiked and one of the youngsters tried to rape me.